SE4E03 – Slippery When Wet
Fri, 8/27 5:27PM • 1:09:38
lube, lubricant, osmolality, shit, people, ph, condoms, oil, infections, mask, sex, fucking, talk, toys, casual, sex toys, ky, silicone, southwest, flavored
Mickey Gordon, Mallory Gordon
Mallory Gordon 00:08
You’re listening to the casual swinger podcast as your hosts, we need to warn you that the material you’re about to hear may be sexual or explicit in nature. This podcast is intended for an adult audience. Now we don’t expect you to act like adults. What’s the fun in that?
Mickey Gordon 00:22
We’re a married couple living in Florida with over 13 years of experience in the lifestyle and we take almost nothing seriously. Casual swingers a variety show meaning we’ll cover everything from music to events, travel, and even the occasional hilarious screw up. Our show was about entertainment. We’re not licensed professionals had anything in our stories, commentary and guidance should not be confused with the opinions of a licensed professional. Now that you know, let’s take those pants off and get comfy. Hello again, everybody and welcome back to another episode of casual swinger. My name is Mickey. And I’m Mallory. Oh, I could have sworn I did that last time. But you’re right. What do you mean? Oh, the intro? Yeah, no, it was me. always forget stuff. It’s good. Hey, everybody, welcome back. We’re gonna talk today about something that is, maybe I wouldn’t call it a little dry, but it’s really not dry. Yeah. malarious. Anyway, this episode is called slippery when wet. And this is an episode that’s really all about lube and lube safety and probably shit that’s gonna scare you to death. And this is one of those we’re gonna learn episodes, I was gonna say we to get them to, you know, stay tuned and listen to your fucking works. The insurance industry exists purely to scare the shit out of you.
Mallory Gordon 01:47
Yeah, you’re not wrong. I mean, there’s pieces of information here that are a little shocking. And as much as we use lube and have us lived and done a research even in this, you know, I learned a lot you did a ton of research back into the topics we’re gonna discuss. And I was a little shook, you know, but it’s, it’s one of those things, I think you have to take it with a grain of salt.
Mickey Gordon 02:07
You do. And I think it for my part. Anyway, I did just about as much research for this episode, as I’ve ever done for an episode we’ve done, you know,
Mallory Gordon 02:17
I have to give you credit. I’m always impressed with the amount of effort that you put into a subject as you’re trying to learn. And this this relates not just to the podcast in itself, like everything you’ve ever done, like stuff with our kids, right when they were like in school and doing projects and stuff, and teaching them how to research. I was very, very fascinated with your methodology. But I mean, you spent a long time Yeah. spending a week No, it didn’t I mean, really ever since we did the sex toys Yeah. Episode for novelty use only because people were asking questions were like, you know, there was so much information about sex toys that we didn’t have time to get into lube. And yeah,
Mickey Gordon 03:01
I don’t we’re gonna be able to cover this one in a standard length episode. I mean, I should you not guys, you know lube is the standard in every bedroom in America. It almost everyone uses lubricant literally over 90% of couples report using lubricant at some point. It’s a billion dollar market. It’s it’s a billion dollar market in 2020. And the US uses 37% of that.
Mallory Gordon 03:21
So 40% of the lube sold is in the US alone. That’s not including Canada or okay.
Mickey Gordon 03:26
Yeah, that means that Americans are horny as shit. Yeah, yeah. I gather that. Yeah. Well, anyway, we’re gonna dig into this. We’re gonna tell you guys we learned aside from the fact and Americans are warning this shit. But before we do that, you know, we only got a couple days to go to the big day.
Mallory Gordon 03:43
Yeah, I get I get my breast augmentation about 48 hours from now. Oh, boy. I’m not gonna lie. brutal honesty. I’m kind of freaking out a little bit. Are you? I’m nervous, of course. I mean, it’s surgery, right? I just messaged all my friends and said, Guys, I’m gonna get some take old biddies. They’re not gonna be that big. I think people don’t see me in their regular age that if they notice, it’ll be marginal, right? I’m just trying to reestablish the volume that I had previously. But anyone who’s I’ve talked to and until only been a couple. I’m fascinated by the mentality that they have like, Oh, yeah, it’s no big deal. And I’m like, Are you kidding me? It’s general anesthesia. Surgery. And I think that’s the
Mickey Gordon 04:26
thing that scares you more than anything is the general anesthesia. Yeah, maybe like me, knock me the fuck out. Let’s do this. You’re just getting a hangnail fixed, whatever.
Mallory Gordon 04:35
I know, it’s for a very short amount of time. You know, I think what bothers me is elective and my borrowing trouble from this, you know, stuff like that. But at the same time, it’s just one of those. The only time I’ve ever been under general anesthesia is when I had an emergency c section. It was a very, very stressful time. And when I came back from it, I was I did not handle it well. So I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just pulling from something that was a little traumatic and like yeah, that’s why I’m freaking out like I’m excited. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still going through this like the excitement outweighs you know the the last minute minute second guessing that’s just that’s my personality in general try to look at it this way if you die, you’re gonna be asleep you won’t know. Oh my god, this is why I don’t come to you for reassurance No, no, it didn’t help that was not No. Oh, I need someone to give me a hug right now. I’m sorry, the dog will hug you he’s a big hugger that’s and he’ll be sleeping in the bed with me. I don’t know where you’ll be, but I just got myself.
Mickey Gordon 05:32
Hey, what about an update on sweaty summer? How’s it going?
Mallory Gordon 05:36
Um, it’s okay. It’s, there’s just some weirdness going on, I know should be stalking boys, right or stalking suitors. And it’s just too hard for me. I would think with it being a little add that having like, these multiple conversations should actually feed that part of me and I just can’t keep up. And I’m not interested in that. So this one z at a time has proven not to be the most successful pattern. Because then you know, when once one’s not a fit, you know, then I move on to the other. It’s not layered. And I think that’s probably that’s a more strategic process. So I gotta find a balance. So since we last my last hookup, I don’t know about a month ago. It was more than half ago. Something like that. Yeah, I haven’t really found it. Yeah, I mean, there were some weird weirdness because like we had planned for more hookups and there’s some weird shit happened and like it just got to get a roll with the punches and I am talking to somebody really fucking cool that I can’t wait to meet we just couldn’t make a date work before had surgery. But he did offer to bring me coffee after surgery. So Wow, I know.
Mickey Gordon 06:47
Right? They’re like, I’m gonna bring you coffee when I can’t have you and like me later. Exactly. Alright, well, I do think you’re onto something there though. That like starting from ground zero is like every time you decide this is a frog. And you’re like, Okay, Ground Zero start over again. And then you take a month of chatter, whatever. And that makes for a slow summer.
Mallory Gordon 07:06
Yeah, and you know, Lucky us we’ve been busy with other things too. So finding dates to like meet people and like pull the trigger has been a little difficult.
Mickey Gordon 07:15
Yeah, so you know, I know last episode I did the whole leg what grinds Mickey’s gears? And I’m gonna tell you guys this time that Southwest can suck my dick. Oh, Southwest can open wide Yeah, and chug deeply from my balls. And I know this is you know, not you but so something happened we went to Nashville we’re going to talk about in a hot second. But we did Nashville hung out with David and he went to a great concert. We’re on our way back and I had a few masks in my bag. And I couldn’t find them I could only find one mask in my bag at the airport
Mallory Gordon 07:47
so unlike you because usually have them with traveling like in the same place every single time and you have multiples and you only had that one
Mickey Gordon 07:55
when I was playing tell you why it’s because I brought my photography bag with me and I didn’t have all my shit in that bag. Yeah, so what basically happened was I had a mask that I bought as a gag to explain you know, to friends and whatnot how I feel about the mask mandates this mask says this is bullshit. And it’s it was really designed as a joke, but was the only goddamn mask I had. So I threw it on walk through the airport got high five After High Five After High Five like you couldn’t believe the number of people that agreed with my mask. But that’s really not why I wore it. I didn’t wear it to this cause a scene or strip and he shared it just kind of happened. So anyway, we are in the terminal, right? We’re in public. In the terminal. We’re not we’re not anything, we’re not on the plane not doing any Bs, I knew that I was going to have to put on a paper mask by the time I got on the plane. Fortunately, they had plenty of those to give away really wasn’t an issue. But in the meantime, I’m wearing my bullshit mask and a gate Superintendent somebody that just happened to see me walking along, took issue with my mask and came over and flip shit on me said that my mask was vulgar and offensive which I happen to know of vulgar and offensive looks like it ain’t that and started waving a replacement mask in my face which pissed me off. It’s like you know, get the Get out of my face. You know, you don’t have to be in my grill. And I’m not gonna do what he asked me to do. I’m sorry but first amendment so
Mallory Gordon 09:17
you never know what I want. Well, you actually said I think we knew when you put that mask on that you were going to have to change it Yeah, great. It was just one of those things. Yeah, I wasn’t worried about changing it for I got on the plane that’s their plane right and he rules he was it’s not like we had a lot of time from when we went through security which is fine went through the other gates which was fine, too when we were going to be about to board and the other reason you had left where we were boarding because you were about to change it anyways. I was already looking for the deeper mask for you because you knew you couldn’t wear it on the airplane. At like you told I heard you tell them that you were going to change it before you got on the plane. Yes. Absolute didn’t from afar. I know you and I know how short your fuse is at times and you didn’t seem Physically upset like your mannerisms weren’t telling me that you were angry? hers were. So it was a little confusing until you got up to me so I could get the rest of the story because I missed what had happened about
Mickey Gordon 10:14
oh yeah, she’d like ran over and tracked me down and she was pissed. And she was she was threatening me with a lifetime ban from southwest and she said I can and I will ban you from this airline for life. I’m like, I’m not on your plane. You can’t do anything to me. I’m not even I’m not on your property. I have nothing to do with you right now. Yeah. And if she didn’t stop, she just kept and then she fell over here. Like what the fuck is happened? Yeah, she followed me over to where you were standing to continue to berate me in front of people.
Mallory Gordon 10:45
Yeah, she she actually showed up while we were trying to board I’m literally handing you the mask. And I think she I think she came over just to like drive it home and make sure that you are going to do what you’re saying you’re going to do and I guess part of me is like, yeah, fucking people suck and 90% of them that she runs into, you’re probably assholes. And don’t listen, but it seemed very aggressive and uncalled for at the same time, especially
Mickey Gordon 11:07
the threats. Like I’ve been a Southwest customer for a long time. And I have a shitload of Southwest points
Mallory Gordon 11:14
and your your, you’ve been traveling so long, like, you know not to piss off the gate agents to treat the I treat them like gold the stewards and like anyone who’s in that industry and services you Well,
Mickey Gordon 11:28
yeah, well, you’ve heard me get off an airplane hundreds of times. What do I say every time I get off that plane to those stores. Thanks
Mallory Gordon 11:36
for a great ride. Have a great rest of your trip. Thanks. You’re you think everyone even if you didn’t interact with them motor
Mickey Gordon 11:42
Personally, I’ve never been rude to a single gate agent or single airline personnel ever. But that woman took it upon herself to chase me down and fuck with my day. And then not only that threatened to make it so I can’t travel that was
Mallory Gordon 11:57
that was one of the oddest interactions I think we’ve ever had. Now granted, you had a mask on this is this is bullshit. And she was offended by it. And I think that’s could have been where it started. That’s you know it she was pissed off about it. Is it the most PC thing you can work now? But at the same time it’s vague enough it probably I don’t I don’t even fucking know. Maybe you know, someone close to her died. Who fucking knows anyone else’s backstory? But it was just it was so surreal cuz I’m sitting there and I’m like, if I have to ride back in a car from Nashville, I’m gonna be kind of cranky.
Mickey Gordon 12:32
Oh, I can tell you that if I was alone I would have driven home from Nashville out of spite Yeah, no, I would have told her to eat shit got my money back and either taken another flight or driven and honestly if I didn’t have to be back for work, but if somebody from Southwest is listening for some reason, you need to let your gate agents know that when you’re inside the terminal that’s public property. They can’t say shit they have no they have no jurisdiction TSA does you know what those gate agents don’t
Mallory Gordon 12:59
see waited till we are in line like waiting to board the boarding process and maybe there’s some like gray area there where they do have that. I don’t know I just black you know, I
Mickey Gordon 13:09
just stepped a foot to the left and she would have been able to do anything there. Anyway,
Mallory Gordon 13:12
it’s a this is a nasty little soapbox tirade. It is it’s my tirade, but you know, what is the strangest thing that’s ever happened since since we’ve been traveling? Post COVID
Mickey Gordon 13:22
Yeah, and you know, I’m allowed to think the masks are bullshit. When I see a guy eating a bag of chips for the entire two hour flight. The entire two hour flight he ate chips. So he didn’t wear a mask the entire flight but I have to because I’m not wearing
Mallory Gordon 13:37
masks the whole time like we got out of the car before we walked into the property. Even though we you don’t like them. You always abide like you You do it because that’s what we need to do right now. And I’m looking around the airport at the gate people are sitting around and I want to say they’re like 20 25% of aren’t wearing masks don’t like not even hanging off their ears not eating from us. They were talking and I’m like okay well maybe they’re just not as though they were on their phones religion here and that’s coming from a fucking Floridian Yeah, that’s just it. I honestly think they’re bullshit. games here. We don’t care we’ve never had COVID Florida’s just fucking Hunger Games period it’s been that way my entire life. Maybe odds be ever in your favor, folks. Welcome to Florida. Anyway, all
Mickey Gordon 14:23
right back to you happy shit. Let’s start with what grinds Mickey’s gears. We took a weekend or sells weekend before last. This is right after we talked to you guys last. And I surprised the beautiful Mallory with a trip to the keys.
Mallory Gordon 14:34
Oh my god was fantastic. A little stressful. I was in Chicago for work that week. But the keys were fucking amazing. You got some amazing shots down there. It was just absolutely beautiful weather. Yeah, I
Mickey Gordon 14:46
had fun with the camera down there. Not only taking pictures you because some of those came out six years shoot. Thanks. I was really excited. You’re really really really, really great. So God, I love the way you see me. Bless you. Oh as a model. You’re a pain in the ass. But you’re an amazing subject to take.
Mallory Gordon 15:02
I’m not a diva I just don’t know what I’m doing. Like I can tell my hand what to do but then my face and the rest of me just loses. I have an I have a large appreciation for models I’m just saying oh yeah, anyone who thinks that’s not work Fuck you.
Mickey Gordon 15:17
Well, here’s where Mickey fucked up though right talking about myself in the third person but it was lobster mini season I put that in quotation marks I didn’t know so I was stuck in hotel room so expensive. We get down there it is assholes to armpits. People from literally Key Largo all the way to Key West.
Mallory Gordon 15:33
Yeah, it was crazy. I’ve never seen the keys that busy before and now I understand why it was just traffic like we weren’t asshole to armpits anywhere we were at but we weren’t fishing for lobster. Even
Mickey Gordon 15:45
when we were staying off the boat ramps like all this stuff that I kind of fantasized about us doing like, like taking some kayaks out or maybe getting a boat like or renting a boat or going out on a snorkeling trip booked? No, that stuff been booked for like years. And I did check my field a couple times. In the keys app just to see if granddad was interested or what. It was interesting. his liver spotted penis demographic was definitely different. Oh, yeah. Yeah, much, much, much older. But anyway, and then the very next weekend, which was this weekend, we went down to earn up rather to Nationals we just talked about and the reason we went was to see two of our favorite Red Dirt bands.
Mallory Gordon 16:22
That was the best damn concert I’ve ever been to my fucking life. It was really good. Oh, my gosh, and we get to see it at the Ryman. Yeah, I mean, you would you call it Mother Church or church. That’s what I call it. Absolutely. See why that first of all the pews fuckin cool. sat next to great people. Awesome show two of our favorite artists. The acoustics were outstanding. Just All in all, a wonderful night our bartender Cheryl, shout out to you, lady get nice and drunk.
Mickey Gordon 16:48
That was our girl. She was amazing. I’d say the staff at the Ryman was just top notch even when they had to go up and talk to somebody who was doing something they shouldn’t be doing. They were nice. Oh, yeah. They were just nice. And some people in authority positions. You know, maybe they’re having a bad day. Maybe people treat them like shit. They’re just dicks like that nasty bitch at Southwest. But in my case, like I when I was looking around seeing some of security like trying to tell people Hey, don’t stand on that. He don’t do that. They would say Hey, would you mind getting down for us? Please? They were so cool. And it was just everyone was so nice. in Nashville. The food was great. pretty much everywhere we went which had a lot more to do with Dave and Andy I think than it did in Nashville. Oh my gosh, I got the best food tour ever. Yeah, it was really good. I feel like I gained weight but I actually lost weight while I was there but even the food at the deuce country Mecca was was good sorry. I was just mocking I did not lose weight Yeah, but we went to the deuce country Mecca which was Florida Georgia Florida Georgia.
Mallory Gordon 17:43
So do you have to like this is like the half two lists like once you cool air quotes make it and country music you have to own a barn in downtown Nashville I think so. Yeah, cuz it was just like a whole row of them I found that very strange.
Mickey Gordon 17:58
Yeah like and what our way out I think we passed Miranda Lambert’s bar which was just like the ugly thing
Mallory Gordon 18:04
Yeah. Jason on Dean’s and I they ever seen all red? Which is Blake Shelton’s?
Mickey Gordon 18:10
Yeah, that’s right. Yeah, but I mean, and they all have a bar and they’re all commercial as hell. I think honestly, they have nothing to do with them if I really had to guess I’m guessing based part of their their holdings per se and they’re doing if somebody runs it and their name is on it, and they get a percentage. It’s probably like that.
Mallory Gordon 18:27
Yeah, that makes sense. I just I found that odd because I thought there’d be more like I guess I didn’t know what to think I’d never actually explored downtown Nashville so
Mickey Gordon 18:36
well, and I really hadn’t either. I’ve been to Nashville, but I pretty much went to the opera and did some music shit and left. But I think that Nashville is a lot like Florida, that no one in Nashville is from Nashville. We only know one. Yeah. That’s he’s the only one and speaking to Dave huge, huge thank you to double the nation. David end. They drove us everywhere. They went out and anyone again got Mallory, some vodka, tequila.
Mallory Gordon 19:02
Oh my god. I feel like such an asshole. This is how fucking nice these people are. So we tied one on the night before ended up with a migraine the next afternoon. I tried to cure it with an orgasm. It just made it worse. re orgasm. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It was it was pretty bad. So I’m like, I think I need hair, the dog. And in my head. Everyone has vodka. Like I just needed some some alcohol is what I should have said like just a shot of alcohol. Whatever’s available. Oh, and you went and told them you know, hey, vodka, and I guess they just no problem. went to the store. Got it. That’s Dave
Mickey Gordon 19:39
because I was like, Hey, I got it. And he’s like, yeah. And I’m like, great. He’s like, I’ll be right back. And I thought it was running to the garage. He did. He got in the car and he left and he went, Oh,
my God. I’m such a dick.
Mickey Gordon 19:54
But it did help with your headache. It did. It did.
Mallory Gordon 19:57
I mean, at this point, I was like, why? Have a shot of vodka, half a gummy and some Tylenol oh my god you were medicated as a gallon of water I drink so much water like my Pitts was clear like I was so well hydrated. Yeah that’s the first thing you do when it with a hangover. That’s true. Yeah,
Mickey Gordon 20:18
that’s true. Get out rehydrate. That’s true. Anyway, we had a great couple of weekends minus that nasty shit from Southwest we had a great time in Nashville thanks to Dave and end and But without further ado, I think we should probably get out of here tell people where they can find us and we’ll come back with slippery when wet because there’s a lot of information in this episode, guys, but you’re gonna want to stay tuned for this. This one’s worth it. Yeah,
Mallory Gordon 20:42
man. So we are casual swinger everywhere. You can reach out to us casual swinger. And wait. Let me rewind that podcast that casual swinger.com I know who we are and where our mail goes to. I promise. You can find us on social media as casuals, whether that’s Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram. And you can also find us on the dating sites. Web nation, Cassidy SLS and sec.
Mickey Gordon 21:03
There we go, folks. We’ll be back in a hot second. You’ve been listening to casuals. We’re about cash flow swinger and have a nice day. All right, we’re done. We’re far from done. Just kidding. I’m Mallory. I’m here with I am the Mickey Yes. From ever known the Mickey now the the Mickey. Yeah, fuck the other one with the years down here in Orlando. Nobody cares about him. didn’t put two and two together. Just get on my level. Yeah. So slippery, wet, slippery, when wet all about lube. There’s a couple of things about this episode that we want you guys to know. First and foremost, most important thing. We’re not here to sell you more lube after and for novelty use only a lot of you guys went out and just like chunked out your sex toys and bought a bunch of toys from casual toys. We really appreciate that. Don’t get me wrong. We want to be a source, a reliable source for you guys to get good stuff. But at the same time, when we do stuff like this, we’re doing it for you not to sell you stuff. So we don’t pander or push it on you not what we do here.
Mallory Gordon 22:26
Yeah. And we’re not trying to scare you guys either. And like make you go through and throw your lube in. And everything you have a way this is just kind of us you sharing, sharing what we’ve discovered and found out and how we own a toy store. And I’ve been using lubes since I don’t know, I was 16.
Mickey Gordon 22:43
Yeah. And you know, you think about it. I mean, so you don’t have to necessarily throw your Liebe away. But maybe there are some things about your lube that you don’t know. Yeah. And if you don’t know, you might be having side effects or issues that you’ve blamed on something else. Right? Or like me, I’m just I’m so sore after sex last night, or I keep getting yeast infections, or I keep getting vaginosis. And I think it’s because of x. Like you yell at your husband to go take more showers or something, right. I mean, you have no idea. And it could be what you’re putting in your body during sex I’d be. So here’s the thing. In 2012, the w h o, which is the World Health Organization issued an advisory note highlighting concern for the effects of lubricants on women’s vaginal tissue.
Mallory Gordon 23:23
I’m really glad you clarified that because I started playing the song from
Mickey Gordon 23:30
Yeah, well, I don’t have a lot of love for the wh o right now. But you know, there are a lot of things that they do that do contribute to world health. And it did highlight concerns in terms of the pH, which is the balance that we’re going to talk about here and a little bit of certain things in osmolality which we’re also going to talk about here in a few minutes of these liquids that we are in some cases injecting into our bodies
Mallory Gordon 23:52
so we haven’t really said shit about it since but outside of the you know some of the glamour and cosmic articles the government really doesn’t get involved in this testing in this is stuff that we put inside ourselves so I want to say that we’re a little surprised but not because we found the same thing when we were talking about for novelty use right now there’s there’s some
Mickey Gordon 24:15
toys there were just like a lack of information and what I found when I started researching Luber, there’s a wealth of it. But it’s all 10 years old for the most part, or it’s blogs or glamour, Cosmo or something like that. And there’s all this information out there yet so many customers we talk to you in casual toys, have no idea Do you think one of their lube?
Mallory Gordon 24:36
So when I was looking at some of the information you posted, then I was doing some research on my own. There is a plethora of information. It could be one of those things that there’s so much information available that he gets lost in translation. Like there’s just there’s there is such a thing as too much it starts to cloud the judgment, right?
Mickey Gordon 24:54
That might actually be it that there’s just so much out there that people don’t know what to look at. So we’re gonna try and isolate this for And narrow this shit down a little bit. We’re gonna start with the basics that you probably already know. Or at least you should. Maybe don’t. We’re gonna talk about it first and do it anyways. If you’re like, fuck it I know all this stuff fucking gimmicky. But what is lubricant used for you thought we were gonna say sex then? Yeah, well obviously sex. Yes, yes, definitely sex but lubricants are about comfort, ease protection from friction. If you’re a woman and you’ve ever been to the gynecologist you know all about this. As a matter of fact, they probably use surgery lube on you. We’re going to talk about why surgery was really fucking baling
Mallory Gordon 25:34
hay and not to forget you guys very had a prostate exam. Same thing. Oh, yeah, man, that
Mickey Gordon 25:39
doctor had big fingers. Yes. very uncomfortable. Anyway, there’s three primary types of lubricant. malar you wanna take the first one?
Mallory Gordon 25:47
Yeah, so we’re gonna start with water based on this one’s really common, it’s probably the most popular, um, definitely washes off easily. The viscosity is not as thick as some of the other lubes but it does get sticky like once it’s exposed to air. So for some people, you the lube that you’re using, if it seems to lose its slickness app in a in a short period of time, it’s probably water base. Because when you think about it, especially if you’re actively engaging in intercourse, you know, it’s in and out, in and out, in and out. So it’s been exposed to air intermittently, so that the slickness may wear off pretty quick, give those hacky and kind of gross Yeah, but it’s it’s sex toys, save works with all types of condoms. So like, as far as that’s concerned?
Mickey Gordon 26:31
Yeah. And that’s primarily what we’re going to talk about today. It is the most popular kind of lube, and it’s certainly the one that’s the least expensive as well. But the other thing that I would say about waterbase is it’s really bad for handjobs.
Mallory Gordon 26:44
Yeah, well, it because again, it’s exposed to air. Yeah, don’t get to retain that slicker slipperiness, right? That’s that surface tension. Mm hmm. Yeah.
Mickey Gordon 26:52
But because it’s used externally and on a guy. Generally speaking, any water based lube is going to be fine. It’s not going to bother a guy. Whether it’s fragranced whether it’s flavored, or irrelevant. It’s fine. oil based lubes, which are pretty much the least popular, least common, but most natural, also great for handjobs. Amazing for handjobs coconut oil in particular, coconut oil is actually a very popular sexual lubricant that is oil based. It moisturizes and lubricates as well as working as a lubricant. Or a sexual lubricant rather, but common types coconut oil, olive oil, mineral oil, you just really need to be careful when using oils down there as a woman because yeah, huge side effect. Very common side effect is yeast infections.
Mallory Gordon 27:43
Yes. Because I mean, when you think about it, and we use like a term like oil and water, right, and I think most people can visualize that, say, have a glass of water and you put some drops of oil on it, and it rises to the surface. So if you have a layer of oil and water underneath, and then add more liquid on top of that oil, water, for instance, you’re gonna see displacement happens, what’s gonna happen inside of your vagina is it’s going to displace moisture, which is not good for you. You have natural mucosal lining down there. And if you add oil to it, it’s just gonna throw down your entire ecosystem out there.
Mickey Gordon 28:15
Yeah, it is. And what she’s talking about is the epithelial lining or your skin, right? membranes, mucous
Mallory Gordon 28:22
membrane versus epithelium, but it does it does inhibit both right because you have external parts like your your, you know, little beef curtains or your little meat flaps. I mean, I’m being real like sometimes, you know, those can get really sensitive to even these natural oils.
Mickey Gordon 28:40
It really can’t. Now the thing about oil based anything mineral oil, baby oil, coconut oil, olive oil, any oil is going to break a latex condom in minutes. Oh, yeah. Bad. No time that will make the baby huh? in a bad way. So never use an oil based lubricant with a latex condom. oil based lubricants ours are sex toy safe. And by the way, are unique condoms are not latex so you can use those with oil based lubes if you want the only plug I’m gonna put in this whole thing, but what else? What’s the next one?
Mallory Gordon 29:11
So silicone. Silicone is, you know, varied. Probably more so than you think. They’re definitely not all the same. It’s the slickest lube in my humble opinion. God Yes. Yeah. That you can get it’s it’s tastes like even underwater. A lot of people use it for you know, shower sex or hot tub sex or anal sex. Right,
Mickey Gordon 29:35
right. If you’re having sex in water, silicone is the way to go. Yes. I mean, it was really hard to wash off. Sometimes I came three times less than just trying to wash it off.
Mallory Gordon 29:43
Safe with latex condoms, right? Yep. But however, straight silicone is not necessarily sex toy safe. That’s important, but
Mickey Gordon 29:53
it’s not necessarily not sex toy safe, either. Right. It’s kind of a huge misconception. Yeah, right. Everybody’s As well, you know, they’ll stick together or it’ll destroy the toy. No, not with Platinum or medical grade silicone toys, it made me get a little bigger, but because it lives orbit,
Mallory Gordon 30:10
that’s about it for a long time, like if you’re using it for a very, very long period of time. But if you have good hygiene with your toys, and you wash them directly after, you’re fine,
Mickey Gordon 30:19
yeah, it’s fine. We’ve got tons and tons and tons of listeners and customers that use Uber, Lou, but their toys, for example. And it’s perfectly fine. So nothing to worry about. But much like everything else in this world, whether we’re talking about water based oil based silicon based, or even hybrids, which are a blend or a combination of water and silicone, which is a little better for you know, silicon toys, if it’s cheap, it’s cheap for a reason. So you can probably stop listening here and not buy cheap shit, and you’d be okay.
Mallory Gordon 30:46
And you know, I think, quantifying cheap shots, because that’s a little bit of a harsh statement and could be interpreted several ways. But I’m going to be no, I look at it. That’s why I’m putting it inside of my body. And we’re so conscientious as a culture these days, like, look at all the stuff that’s non GMO, and organic and free range and no parabens, no sulfates, and we’re gobbling this stuff up, because we want to treat our bodies better, right in our in. And that’s our effort. I think. If you’re a person who’s diligent about what you intake through that orifice, you’re probably going to be very conscientious about what you do and your others. Yeah, that’s just that’s kind of I don’t know, maybe that sounded very, now that I dropped back on what I just said. It’s just something I want to take care of my vagina.
Mickey Gordon 31:37
But I think that same thought and feeling leads people to use things like coconut oil. And that can actually cause issues. If you use coconut oil regularly as a lubricant. Yeah, you can absolutely have issues with yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, things like that. But with all these words that end in osis, I think we should probably talk about a few terms that you’re going to need to know for the rest of what we’re going to talk about to make any sense.
Mallory Gordon 32:00
All right, kids, get out your pen and pencils. This is the vocabulary section of our show, there will be a pop quiz at the end. So I hope everyone’s ready.
Mickey Gordon 32:08
And that means that Mallory is going to make sure you pop. So
Mallory Gordon 32:11
Oh, more work for me, but it will like it. Alright, you won’t take first. Sure. So the first one’s osmosis. And the reason this is important, you’ll you’ll figure it out here in a second. So I suppose this is the process by which molecules pass from an area of higher concentration to an area of lower concentration. So I make jokes about learning through osmosis, which means I stand there, and I just absorb all the information. So you think about moisture transferring from one area to another, just pass passing through a membrane, like a very, very thin revealed membrane.
Mickey Gordon 32:42
And that’s going to matter in just a second. But before we get to that, we’re going to cover something that’s really, really, really important. So if you guys have been tuning out through using big words, I want you to pay attention this one because this is the one that makes a huge difference. One of the two things that makes a huge difference when it comes to your lubricant, pH balance, which is the measurement of the acidity or the basicity have a solution. So basically, is it acidic? Or is it alkaline?
Mallory Gordon 33:04
Is it basis? Yeah, yeah. acidity, neutral and alkaline. Yes.
Mickey Gordon 33:08
And it’s super important inside your body, you have a pH in your body. Now, everybody’s pH is actually slightly different. So inside your body, there’s a range and we’ll talk about those here in a second. But those imbalances in pH because you put something in your body can lead to discomfort, irritation infection, even worse, right? It can lead to some very bad things. The pH of a woman’s vagina is between 3.8 and 4.5. A good lubricant should match it if at all possible. Definitely don’t vastly exceed it or come in way under
Mallory Gordon 33:41
Yeah, and ladies, if you are wondering and don’t have a litmus test to work with Mickey will volunteer he will be your taste tester. And he’s right 99.9% of the time.
Mickey Gordon 33:49
That’s right, my tongue is a fabulous litmus test. Turns out though, Ph above 4.5 can actually put you at a much higher risk for bacterial vaginosis. Now for anal sex, pick a lube that’s in a pH from 5.5 to seven. And we’ll talk about osmolality here in a few but the osmolality should match your body as well. What is osmolality Oh my gosh,
Mallory Gordon 34:09
I can’t even say osmolality a la la la la la these reminds me of that song from pizza dragon. No one has a quantity. Sorry. So it’s the measurement of the concentration of dissolved substances. So you have a solution, and then stuff that is combined, right? So you’re this little mixologist and this shit is now suspended in it, right? Yep. Okay, more or less. So the epithelial layer of the skin. So you have the mucous membrane and the body’s natural mucus are constantly trying to maintain homeostasis or the equilibrium of osmolality. Balance this balance right? You have a perfect ecosystem built into your body. So when you ask add something to it, it could potentially change it, which is why matching that could be very important to avoid those other things. So this directly affects the integrity of all the tissue down there.
Mickey Gordon 35:11
Yeah, the reality is, we can actually, if you put something that has a dramatic pH imbalance, and a dramatic imbalance and osmolality, it can literally cleave the tissue from your body and leave you in a situation where you’re actually much more susceptible to infection,
Mallory Gordon 35:30
right? Because we just talked about osmosis, it could displace that moisture, yes. drier, make you drier, which makes you prone to friction. And that can cause micro tears, fissures, heat, even burns, slight burns down there, when you think about the friction that’s created because motion with you know, two pieces of mass rubbing together, tender vaginal tissue,
Mickey Gordon 35:55
there you go. And that opens you to STI is STDs. You know, any normal infection that you might have. It’s extremely important. And we never talk about osmolality because a high osmolality will actually cause your body to purge moisture, it will dry you the fuck out.
Mallory Gordon 36:10
Yeah, and I’ve always said that, like spit. It’s there’s a reason you’re the spit forms on the opposite end of your body, right? Because it does actually dry you out. So if you just get grossed out by spit right now. It’s like one of my like ticks never ever ever spent on public service announcement because it does, it does dry you out because of the pH and the other balances in your saliva, it will dry you out. It’s not a lubricant.
Mickey Gordon 36:38
So since we’re talking about osmolality, I’ll throw in the Osmo. The Osmo is a unit of us Maalik concentration, basically, it’s the number by which we count osmolality. So it’s counted in Milla oz moles per kilogram of water. So basically, you’ll see it expresses a number from anywhere between zero to 10,000 in some cases, and keep in mind, your body is somewhere around 350.
Mallory Gordon 37:03
Okay, so on the scale. What’s the higher is that better or worse? Okay, really bad. so low, low numbers are better high numbers are scary.
Mickey Gordon 37:14
Yeah, it’s high numbers, really explaining what he was saying.
Mallory Gordon 37:17
Right here. And this is I can tell I’m getting a little chirpy. Because I’m like, Oh, yeah, like the count from Sesame Street. Remember, you’re counting nozzles? Whoa, no spool, Drew? Oh, my God, you’ve saved me. I was like, who is we? Can we part of it? Do we have any listeners anymore at the end? What it Okay, so there’s a term in here that I didn’t know the hyperosmotic. What is it’s a substance with higher osmolality than the liquid in your body. Exactly. So
Mickey Gordon 37:42
if it’s got more than then your body does, right, a higher ocimum osmolality than your body does, then it’s hyperosmotic. And there’s a center point. And there’s a low point, the center point is ISO is modic. And then the low point is hypo. So if it has less osmolality, than your body does. And what you want is you want something that has the same osmolality as your body, ideally, or lower. Well, lower isn’t necessarily good either, but it doesn’t hurt you as much as high. Okay? Because what it’ll do is the moisture will will not be absorbed into your body, it will stay outside of your body.
Mallory Gordon 38:17
Alright, so I’m gonna put the brakes on this real quick, because I got a question for you. Lay it on me. So we’re gonna give out a list here in a second of the the average oz mentality of blah stuff, right? And what doubt is that no one uses awesome
Mickey Gordon 38:35
in Asia, ever, because it’s a difficult word to say. It is very hard. It’s hard. But when we ignore and all this informations out there that no one’s
Mallory Gordon 38:43
I honestly, I would have never given a shit if it weren’t for the research you had done because it’s not like you flip over the back of a bottle of something x product and it gives you what it is, you know,
Mickey Gordon 38:54
so they really don’t and it’s not listed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bottle of lube that had this information listed. But just to kind of give you guys an idea of the different like aspects of osmolality. So tap water has an osmolality rating of three. That’s three Milla osmose depending where you live. Sorry, Flint, Michigan. Sorry, Flint.
Mallory Gordon 39:15
Yeah, I’m so good. organics. One of my favorite loops is got 1106
Mickey Gordon 39:20
Yeah, so it’s very, very, very wet and stays that way. But then you get into like, for example, human blood or human semen is between 285 and 380.
Mallory Gordon 39:30
Wow. And something that was really scary because it’s readily available. astroglide Ky 6000 to 10,000.
Mickey Gordon 39:41
That’s like stuffing your post. He was saying? Yeah, that’s bad. Yeah, yeah, I mean, KY and Astra go to shit. We’re gonna talk about that in a minute. But just to give you an idea what some of that stuff is. Now something else that matters and I felt like I needed to cover this for you guys, is that a lot of these lubricants and I don’t know why. They feel like this is a good plan. Because we get called out on this and it isn’t good. But FDA cleared versus FDA approved. So the FDA either approves or clears a product lubricants are almost universally, FDA cleared, not approved,
Mallory Gordon 40:14
right? Because they have to do in order to go on the market if they’re going to be mass produced and sold,
Mickey Gordon 40:20
right? Well, yeah. Because what they want is they want to be identified as a medical device. So when they become cleared, they’re identified as a medical device. And that gives them validity. It gives them you know, hey, it’s a good product. But it has never been tested, there was a product that was tested by the FDA. And this is similar enough to that tested product that these products go through no lab testing whatsoever, and a lot of cases, that’s so strange. Yeah, so the FDA clears it because it’s similar. But it isn’t actually FDA approved.
Mallory Gordon 40:49
So the approval process, if I’m reading this correctly, it actually requires a ton of testing. And it’s a high cost, right, because I think we covered this on the novelty use episode as well, that when they do that, like a company would have to pay upfront for all of this, and it could take years and years and years and hundreds of 1000s of dollars. Millions
Mickey Gordon 41:10
and I tell you, you know, we were looking at starting our own lube line, because we had something we were wanting to do. And it was like $150,000 to do it. Right. Yeah, just in test don’t have that many dollar. I don’t have that many dollars for that sort of thing. But, you know, I think that lubricants are confusing in a lot of cases because they use a lot of terms and just like sex toys, they use terms that sound really good and they sound very appealing and body safe like pair of in free and cruelty free vegan and natural and yeah, or this chemical, whatever phrase. Right? Right well and you know those chemicals and we talked about those and for novelty use only some of these, this these chemicals are very common, but not necessarily for the inside of a vagina, like da which is a wetting agent and shampoo or gluten in glycerin. Right? glycerin is really common in flavored lubes.
Mallory Gordon 42:00
So it’s gluten, believe it or not, so if you have celiac or gluten intolerance or sensitivity that’s just Hey, FYI, flavored lube is not your friend.
Mickey Gordon 42:09
Yeah, it’s not and you know, flavored lube a lot of times has sugars in it as well. So it really doesn’t belong inside your flavored lube should really not be used for sex. Now, we haven’t really said anything like that yet in this episode, but flavored lubes are not for sex.
Mallory Gordon 42:22
Now. I would definitely I mean, they’re there. They have a lot of fun for blowjobs sometimes, but you really shouldn’t use them for sex. And I wouldn’t even use them early on near the x stir like the internal structures of a woman like yeah, don’t like I
Mickey Gordon 42:37
wouldn’t read it all over the post. But I tell you, it was funny. The folks I think from system Joe said that they actually trade shows they put their flavored lubes on ice cream. Because they’re so healthy and so good for you that they just eat that and I’m like, I don’t know if I can do that. So it’s expensive way to get ice cream tops. That’s what I think so my mind But hey, how about propylene glycol? propylene glycol is a preservative that is in like everything. It’s in so many things. But it’s also an antifreeze. Yeah, just saying. Yeah. But things like sorbet all sulfates. Here’s one that’s really really common. We see all the parabens everywhere. Yeah, no parabens,
Mallory Gordon 43:15
but you know what? It’s, it’s, it’s another preservative, right? But it’s, it’s a disrupter to your endocrine system. Yeah. Which is why everyone’s like, you know, paraben free paraben free. Yeah,
Mickey Gordon 43:28
so here’s one that was really common when I was growing up. Oh yeah. androgens have deals with hormones I don’t know if I have that you didn’t but now you did. So when I was growing up I they were like every condom said now with non oxen all nine not Oxo nine is not you know basically every fucking all right i’m not i’m not so old that like condoms weren’t a thing. I always had to deal with this bullshit. But yeah, so not oxen, nine is a spermicide and it can contribute to tons of types of infections including UTI eyes, the irritation associated with it increases your risk of contracting STDs and STI s. It is an irritant, and it really doesn’t belong in rainbow
Mallory Gordon 44:07
right and as a general rule, anything that disrupts like your natural protective layers right inside and outside you’re at higher risk for those transmissible diseases period. And that could be shaving down there FYI Oh shaving down there put you at a higher risk
Mickey Gordon 44:24
did freshly shaven skin you got a little micro tears? Yeah
Mallory Gordon 44:27
either way you’re talking about how old you are and then you know the condoms and stuff when my grandmother died. did tell you we found reusable condoms rewet Yeah, cuz it used to be you could buy them reusable. You turn them out of them or what awesome
Mickey Gordon 44:45
shoe were any of them open with like old man penis in them.
Mallory Gordon 44:48
I had to read the label what was left of it like in like this and it came with a little case. And everyone in the room just like they fuckin cleared the room because they did not want to believe my grandmother had sex with condoms.
Mickey Gordon 45:00
Oh my gosh. I’m gonna need therapy. Okay, you just ruin my day. I’m not gonna masturbate. Cool points for me. I
Mallory Gordon 45:09
mean, that’s gross. Like, I can’t blame him for not wanting to use him since you had to wash them out. Yeah.
Mickey Gordon 45:15
Alright, anyway, so let’s talk about things that you should not use his lube because there’s a lot of stuff that gets used as lube. Bash shouldn’t be goddamnit that’s down the list. I have to say at first, I guess. the grossest one Malory hate spit, guys, you Oh, you would think it’d be okay. But it’s not right. It can spread infections. It’s just STI is STDs, right? If you are a person that has cold sores, that can also spread cold sores. You can have wildly different osmolality than your partner and actually dry your partner out in some cases, too.
Mallory Gordon 45:46
Yeah. common one. Vaseline. The dangerous one.
Mickey Gordon 45:51
Like and again, we’re I know we’re not really picking on old people too hard. But a lot of elderly people. You know, when Vaseline first came out, people did use it.
Mallory Gordon 45:59
Oh, Vaseline was used for everything. But it’s petroleum jelly and petroleum jelly comes from petroleum. Yeah, it is not for internal use whatsoever.
Mickey Gordon 46:10
No, it can cause infections. It can absolutely Rex latex condoms. I mean, they’re just done in seconds. Vaseline. Bad call. Yep. Right. Don’t slather your kids down in it like my grandmother used to do to us. It’s it’s bad. You know, something else. That’s bad lotions or soaps, like a lot of lotions and soaps contain fragrances which can be really irritating while soaps are tend to be drying as well. And many lotions contain parabens, which can be bad and
Mallory Gordon 46:34
other chemicals and fragrances and alcohols. And I mean you name it look read the back of your lotion bottle right quick.
Mickey Gordon 46:40
Oh yeah. And there’s all kinds of shit in there. And what I can tell you is as a guy that jerked off of lotion a lot when I was a kid, especially because my aunt had tons illusion around it. Was it fun to get your TiVo? No, do not get it in the hole. It is boot shampoo. You try to get it out as quick as you can. You’ll go oh my god. Yeah, yeah, not okay. Pee it out. Does that make it feel better? You know, there really wasn’t any reliable way to get it out. You just kind of kept whacking it and hope for the best.
Mallory Gordon 47:04
Oh God your soldier, because I am thinking like an issue soap in my eye and like, I’d stand there like, my eye open, like, let the shower water run against it, which probably didn’t really help.
Mickey Gordon 47:14
But it wasn’t as horrific as the time that I was getting a handjob from a girl and when I started to come she kind of pointed it away from her and came in my own eye. That’s really not okay, that’s fucking epic. No, it sucked. I had a puddle of common poop. You know, she sat there and laughed. I’m like, give me a fucking towel. Don’t sit there and laugh at me. be friends with her. You are? I was married to her. awful thing. Stop laughing. Oh, that’s great. All right, back to the subject. Butter or lard
Mallory Gordon 47:51
not believe we have to say this. I don’t know who what Puritans are Amish folk. All right now.
Mickey Gordon 47:57
Can you see Helga turning the butter? And then just being like, here? Let me slap some of this on my goon. Yeah, we’ll go to work. Like, yeah, it can lead to huge infection like massive life threatening infections to put a an organic something in your body, right? Because I mean, we’re truly organic, a food substance inside your body. It will turn rancid if you are not cleaned properly afterward.
Mallory Gordon 48:22
Yeah, that’s the same thing goes for coconut and baby oil by the way. Yeah, that is an organic aloe like baby was not Baby. Baby was just bad. Yeah. Oh, I thought I said olive oil. Maybe I did say baby. Well, I met olive oil and coconut oil. And those natural oils, they’re also not good because they can turn they go rancid. If they go rancid on your shelf, they’ll go rancid in your body to 100%.
Mickey Gordon 48:45
Right. And so that last one, of course is baby oil destroys condoms. There’s a huge risk of infection. It’s not natural. Here’s the thing, just stick to fucking lube. Okay, we’re gonna tell you about some good lubes here in a minute. Don’t, don’t get creative. You know, if you want to use a coconut oil or a mineral oil or an olive oil, they are acceptable. But cleanliness is hugely important. You need to make sure you take care of yourself. And that cleaning up process especially if you’re going to use like a douche or something like that can remove your natural bacteria and expose you to other infections.
Mallory Gordon 49:17
Exactly. You have a tiny little ecosystem in there.
Mickey Gordon 49:22
And like like a little galaxy into of itself, where pretty much maybe there’s little civilizations on your universe.
Mallory Gordon 49:28
Every girl can relate to this, if you’ve been on an extended to antibiotics, totally disrupts the ecosystem down there. And it’s pandemonium. You don’t get to have sex for like a week.
Mickey Gordon 49:36
Don’t get to have sex. This is how Mallory thinks, folks. She’s like, I don’t get to have sex today. Oh,
Mallory Gordon 49:42
I will do everything to protect my little ecosystem. I love your ecosystem because I want all of the sex as much as possible. And you know, this is actually a great segue because you were mentioning there’s other substances and there’s a difference between lubricants and moisturizers.
Mickey Gordon 49:56
That’s true. There’s a personal moisturizer and there’s a lubricant lubricants are applied second Before sexual activity,
Mallory Gordon 50:01
and moisturizers are actually proactively, like you have to do it like 1520 minutes before, at least,
Mickey Gordon 50:07
when you can reply it regularly for that matter, it’s a personal moisturizer, it moistens that area. And you know, some products kind of are bi directional. Uber lube is a good example, right? It’s a personal moisturizer, and it’s a lubricant. A lot of people are big fans of it. So I think that one is definitely kind of one that straddles
Mallory Gordon 50:24
Yeah, and I have to thank Kate because, you know, she’s the one that first introduced us to Uber earlier, I think and in conversation, and the more I use it, the more I learn about it, the more I kind of love it.
Mickey Gordon 50:32
Yeah, we’ll get to that in a minute. We talk about good lubes because Sorry, just headed like plugging a little plug for you really. But let’s talk about bad loops.
Mallory Gordon 50:41
Yeah, the bad loops, anything flavor to fragrance. We kind of touched on that here a few minutes ago. Really great for blowjobs fine for handjob. Sometimes you want to eat a two in one there used the mouth and a little twisting action. guys love that. Yes, I do. And you know, even an occasional use, but like I would avoid them as a lubricant for penetration for those reasons, because they probably have the sugars and the alcohols and other things in there. They’re just not good for you. Plus, they’ll create additional traction or friction, that won’t feel good for you. They’ll create those tears and fissures. And again, just just knock you off your your pH on top of it all. So you have the immediate effects and the longer lasting effects and it’s no fun.
Mickey Gordon 51:24
Yeah, and I think there’s probably a lot of guys out there that have gotten kind of, you know, props in their mind. Like she’s like, I’m so sore the next day, you know, and you’re like, yeah, Buck that buzzy.
Mallory Gordon 51:33
I well, and I have I’m still bouncing back and forth and going through some machinations. I feel like I have a latex sensitivity. But I also feel like some of the lubricants I used to use. were part of the problem.
Mickey Gordon 51:46
Yeah, I guarantee it. I think a lot of the people that think they’re allergic to latex had an issue with their lube.
Mallory Gordon 51:51
100% You and I, we we were using astroglide when we first met Oh, that shit is how how many problems that I have tons. Exactly. I was asked infections. You were just you were sword. Yeah, no, it was I was always sore. Like to the point like I was going to the gynecologist you know, and I should only had to go like for my yearly and before we really started swinging, you know, for my checkups for STI eyes. But like I was going because I thought I thought I had p ID, which is pelvic inflammatory disease. Because sex started to hurt pretty consistently.
Mickey Gordon 52:26
Yeah. Well, I don’t like astroglide enough that I’m going to take it out of the store after doing this episode. And it’s still in the store today, but it’s not going to be after today. Yeah, and it’s because it sucks. But you know the one so ky and astroglide are the two biggest names in lubricant period. And their shit. like shit Shit, shit,
Mallory Gordon 52:45
right? Because of the parts per million with the Osmo laws. Morality goes so high that get
Mickey Gordon 52:50
into it. Yeah, it’s shit. I mean, they’re cheap. And they’re available at Walmart and Target, but they’re shit. So avoid them because they’re shit. They’re just not. But I can tell you why. Right. So ky was made for inserting medical devices. It’s not meant to stay slippery. For long sessions. It’s kind of sticky, but it actually gets worse. So one of the things that ky contains is something called chlorhexidine digluconate it Alright, champion now go ahead. Anyway, it kills healthy bacteria in your vagina, you have a bacteria in your vagina that it kills and that bacteria is one of your natural defenses against chlamydia. If you use k y, you literally are 100 times more susceptible to chlamydia. Holy, she says crime Honey. Yeah. So another thing is, you know the pH of ky is okay, but it’s osmolality is 30 310 times higher than the recommended level from your vagina. Just nuts. And if you’re trying to get pregnant ky is pretty much the worst for what’s called sperm motility. Right?
Mallory Gordon 53:50
Because that osmolality what they’ll do is literally stick to it like glitter, they gather in the dye, they doesn’t help tails
Mickey Gordon 53:57
don’t swim yet that they actually recommend any lubricant. If you’re trying to get pregnant, right, because it acts like a glue trap. Yes, but there are lubes that like BBB, for example, things like that, that are made to help with sperm motility. But that’s just kind of another issue for another day. But the best conditions just you know if you’re interested in getting pregnant for sperms so all the speakers out here how to get pregnant. Yes, maybe we should just skip that part. I don’t know maybe when he is trying to knock off a crotch Godwin. And that’s pH of 7.2 8.5 which is actually a good pH for your bottle and osmolality of up to a 360 so we know it’s way out of the normal pH just one of those weird things anyway. astroglide fucking sucks too.
Mallory Gordon 54:41
So it is bad for getting pregnant. Yeah, pH is a little on the higher side. Not bad, but that was when it is just so high. It’s my cosmic 8000 it’ll dry you out. I think that was half my problem. Yeah, welcome to the Sahara. Yeah, so pretty much anything by wet also. And, you know, I, my granddaughter went platinum. That was kind of one of one of my go twos there for a while. And it’s okay, cuz that was silicone. Yeah, you know, it does have a higher pH like, really, really high and a high osmolality. So it may have had something to do with how, like irritated I would get after using it. So thank you, right. And it’s fascinating because all of these can be found at any Walmart, Walgreens, target. I mean, you name it, but we did find one that was decent, that you can actually run out to the drugstore and go get
Mickey Gordon 55:34
Yep, good, clean love. Yep. So we’ll talk about expensive, no, it’s not, it’s cheap. And it’s actually really good. However, some other lubes that didn’t make the cut, according to the World Health Organization, by the way, there’s an in the show notes, you can find a lot of the research I did here online, including these notes from the World Health Organization that will tell you the actual osmolality and pH for many of these lubes that are available on the open market. But serger lube, for example, what your doctor uses crushes good bacteria, you should be really careful for a couple of days after you go see your guy now.
Mallory Gordon 56:06
Yeah, I mean, and it’s not I mean, I wouldn’t recommend you know, having sex right afterwards. But I mean, that’s that’s what Sergio leoben ky was intended for, right? The insertion of medical devices and you know, exams. Yeah, exactly. It wasn’t meant for sex.
Mickey Gordon 56:18
But some other names. Maybe you haven’t heard some of these maybe have things like ID glide Maximus. Yeah. elbow grease. Gun oil.
Mallory Gordon 56:26
Yeah. Oil. Surprise me because Ghana has gotten pretty popular.
Mickey Gordon 56:29
Yeah, Gunner has gotten a lot. I think the bottle looks cool with people like that. But let’s try some good, very masculine, right? We’re pretty much an hour into this thing. And I knew we were gonna go a little long, high. I knew we’re gonna go a little long. But this is a really important episode in terms of the content for you guys. So hopefully, you’ll bear with us here. The good lubes. And there are some really good ones. And I’m not in some of these, we actually don’t even carry in the store. So I’m going to tell you about them because I think they’re great. You wanted to start with your personal favorite.
Mallory Gordon 56:57
Yeah, and we carry these because they’re my favorites sliquid naturals and coconut organics. Once I found these, it was kind of like a come to Jesus moment where I started to identify some of the other sensitivities I had to the latex condoms. Now that I had replaced this because I was using these for digital masturbation, so just mean my hand and I absolutely loved them. intimate Earth is another one that I gravitate towards. They make a great line of lubricants and personal massage wheels. I have super sensitive skin and I’ve had great luck with these guys. The way they’re designed that the they have excellent pH, in fact, intimate Earth has perfect pH and osmolality. And they take it very seriously. And they’re also organic than the one we just mentioned. Good, clean love. It’s a big Brock’s brand, but it’s it’s good shit. Um, so if you do buy your lube from Walgreens, Target, you know, wherever I know it’s at target for sure.
Mickey Gordon 57:51
Yeah, we carry in the store too. But I’m just saying if you’re out buying whatever, right? Yeah, and you need lube, good, clean loves on the shelf at Target and it’s good shit.
Mallory Gordon 57:58
Yeah. And this one Uber lube. Like I said, the more I use it, the more I love it. What were you telling me? So this is again, a privately held company out of Illinois family run company, and they took the extra steps for the testing didn’t? He did?
Mickey Gordon 58:13
Yeah, they did. So they’re there and they’re an FDA approved medical device not just cleared approved. Yeah, the YouTuber lube is crazy. Good. It has zero osmolality and a pH of 4.5. Yeah, so it’s just, I mean, there’s no water in it. It’s just perfect. It’s well reviewed by our community. I we sell a shitload of it in the store.
Mallory Gordon 58:37
And it’s both it’s a it’s a lubricant and a personal moisturizer as well. So you can you can use it either way, which is crazy. I don’t think there’s another product like that.
Mickey Gordon 58:46
I didn’t feel the need last time we use Uber lube. I didn’t feel the need to clean up after it just kind of absorbed into my skin. It was just nice.
Mallory Gordon 58:53
And you know me if we use leave, especially with toy play, like I have to go clean up. I can’t. I can’t I wish I could just lay like a dirty girl and just go to sleep. I have to feel clean when when I go to bed and some of the silicone lubes man, they’re just posters, which maybe leaves you a sloppy mess. Yeah, I mean, it’s just like, sloppy mess too. I think we use that for the pool games at peak app.
Mickey Gordon 59:17
Oh, we did Sorry about that. Yeah, the bag leaked and made silicone lube Oliver everything hilarious, actually, like I tell you what, another one that’s actually really good that nobody’s ever heard of is sootel sootel. Lux in particular is so good. It’s got a great pH a great osmolality it’s got a great price point. They have also have a couple other versions of sootel. But soudal is an excellent lube. It’s a premium lube.
Mallory Gordon 59:40
nctl Yeah, and I’ve never I had never heard of that. Or on the other one system. 20 system Joe. I’m sorry, system gel. I’m not wearing my glasses.
Mickey Gordon 59:50
Yeah, system. Joe, you’ve probably not heard of but I tell you one of the things I like about system Joe is they do a really good job of talking to their customers and they’re really honest when they do so they actually have a show on YouTube. They do that where they talk about lubricants really honestly. And it’s just a lot of fun to really watch somebody speak honestly to their customers, which I like about system Joe suite, which is pretty cool. So this was not a complete list. I’ll be honest with you. Some major brands did not respond to me. When I asked for information on their product. They just kind of gave me the runaround, like, they didn’t want to give it to me. Like, here’s this weird fucking guy. I think they didn’t want us to do this show period. Honestly, I think some of them didn’t, maybe.
Mallory Gordon 1:00:30
But I mean, think about the people who answer inquiries on the other end, and how they like, triage that and send men to other departments. Yeah, like, Can you imagine being the intern getting the question? I do. Oh, yeah.
Mickey Gordon 1:00:49
Well, I think what we’re gonna do is ultimately, I might have a rep from a couple of these companies on the show, I would love that. Yeah. And we’re going to talk to them directly and make them answer for their inability to answer like an interrogation. Can I be the bad cop? Sure, you make such a good, bad cop? Are you upset? I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings, I can try a horrible bad cop. So here’s a couple of things that you guys need to know. Because let’s just pretend you know that we didn’t just give you a who’s who of our best toys, or our best lubes a casual toys. It’s certainly not a complete list, we will update the list as we go. But what you need to know good lubricant should be a few things. Good vaginal lubricant should have a pH 3.5. And 4.8. It should have an osmolality between 335 and 1200. no higher than 1200. None of the harmful chemicals that we talked about earlier. No antibacterials no water, you know, just you know, waterbase hybrid silicone based on preferences. But those chemicals we talked about, you know, can’t be there.
Mallory Gordon 1:01:55
Yeah, and side note is since you’re mentioning antibacterials, no spermicide on your condoms. No. for a woman, this firm aside, even though they it’s it’s not a lot of liquid on the condom visibly. It does throw off your pH, really, really badly. So just kills the good bacteria in your vagina. Yeah, yeah, it was spermicide in general, as it and I know a lot of people still use them in practice for sexual encounters. And I know it’s another defense against pregnancy. I’m just, I am opposed to him, because I’ve had horrible side effects those chemicals.
Mickey Gordon 1:02:37
Yeah. And I think your body is your guide, right? If you’re having a problem, and you don’t know why this could be it right. So a good anal lube is an entirely different pH than a vaginal lube. Which means if you’re going to do some butt sex, you need a different lube than you use for bad sex for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that the pH should be somewhere between six and 7.2 should have roughly that same osmolality of about 335 to 1200. And it should be hybrid or silicone and preferably a gel to maintain viscosity and not go running all over the damn place. right because no cavities. They don’t self lubricate, correct? Yeah. Yeah, it’s there’s no lube back there. So all you’re going to do is damage
Mallory Gordon 1:03:17
in fact, your poop doesn’t not like slide down there. Yeah, the there’s a bunch of muscles that push it down. Like it doesn’t just like, shoot out.
Mickey Gordon 1:03:27
How do we always end up talking about poop on this show? I
Mallory Gordon 1:03:31
was listening to an old episode of Dr. Drew after dark where I think one of them I think Christina p was fart spreadsheet boop. And it was funny. Anyway, sorry.
Mickey Gordon 1:03:44
Excellent. Great to hear. All right. Well, how about for handjobs or masturbation? Because we talked about vaginal lube. We talked about Anna lube for handjobs and masturbation guys will use literally anything to jerk off.
Mallory Gordon 1:03:54
Yes. Yeah, I mean, my favorites are some of the like coconut oil, honestly, because I can also like if or the handjob lubes that’s their specific waterbased they usually water base and if I wanted to give you a little blow a while while I’m you know jerking you off a little bit I can do both and it’s no harm no foul and coconut oil
Mickey Gordon 1:04:14
or flavored lubes flavored leaves are good for handjobs but of course they’re not good because the air gets to them and they get sticky. My army our favorite is obviously coconut oil but if you’re using a toy like a flashlight, or maybe the be handy wash, use a water based lube watery sleeves gonna work really well for what you’re doing and it’s easy to clean up and that’s kind of the key part for using a mask well
Mallory Gordon 1:04:35
and we Yeah, I was gonna say it because you’re using the master meter so it’s got less air contact with the air so it’s not gonna dry up as fast it’ll stay slicker lightweight. If not, if they don’t like water what a hybrid be good for Yeah, that is why
Mickey Gordon 1:04:49
it’s just gonna take longer to clean it up because it’s gonna be a little slicker a little longer, but honestly, as a guy, I mean growing up, I would have us tend to be a 30 to whack and if I could have found it, I would have used anything. It’s good to be a dude Dude, dude, I’m just a guy can’t
Mallory Gordon 1:05:02
judge. I was like grinding on the corner Of the mattress. Oh, yeah, I’m gonna get off as a kid. Yeah, I found my being really early.
Mickey Gordon 1:05:10
Well, look, guys, I mean, whether you use what we said is a good lube, or the right lube, you know, it really won’t surprise you if you’ll know if it’s good because the problems that you’ve been having, whether it’s soreness, your rotation, redness, pain, vaginosis, yeast infections, any of these things that can come from having a pH imbalance, or an improper osmolality substance inside your body, and then having a vigorous activity like a decrease inside you over and over again.
Mallory Gordon 1:05:44
And, yeah, if anyone’s, you know, I, I feel like I’m super sensitive. And I’ve been trying to, like work this out over the years. And my best advice to anyone, because now I’m being more diligent about it, is to remove one thing at a time or isolate the incidence. And if you’re going to change things change one thing at a time, because if it fix something, you want to know what fixed it right? So if you replaced your toys, and the same things happening, and you replace your lube, and the same things are happening, they change the type of condoms, and then maybe something changes. I mean, do one thing at a time.
Mickey Gordon 1:06:23
Yeah, process of elimination. Yeah. And, you know, obviously, I think a lot of people did go out and change out their sex toys. And I’ve heard from some of you who are vastly better off today, because you did make that change. And some of you are still having some issues. And that’s when the light really came on for me that maybe there’s something else and then lubricant was the next, you know, logical step for me to try and help you guys is to say, Okay, let’s look at your lube. So just changing out your lube for the next thing on the shelf bad call, do a little homework and see what you got. Or you can just go fuck it. We’re gonna listen to Mickey and Mallory. And if you’re going to do that, then the answer is pretty much sliquid nuber lube sliquid and Uber lube, you can’t go wrong. And if you’re going to go to Target or Walmart, good, clean love. Yep. Agreed. It’s just quick, quick, quick now. I mean, I can give you a bunch more. But if you just need me to just give you the answer. That’s the answer. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Now, by the way, sliquid makes flavored lubes those flavored leaves aren’t good either. for sex, yes. flavored lubes and fragrances are bad in a vagina. Don’t do that. I think that’s pretty much the cliff notes on the whole episode, right? Yes. Don’t stick random shit in your pussy if you don’t know what it’s going to do. Correct. How about cucumbers or cucumbers? Okay, and if you’re not going to talk about that. Alright, folks, I have a ton of research in the show notes for you guys. Feel free to check it out. Click on the links. Give these authors and the different bloggers and stuff in places that I grab some of this information, give them some love. Give them a follow. Let them know that was useful to you.
Mallory Gordon 1:07:52
And if you guys have any questions that we didn’t cover regarding Lubin, we are going to try to actually get some manufacturer reps on the show to talk about this and have a little debate and you know, fireside chat, if you will. Regarding you know, lube. Feel free to shoot us your questions.
Mickey Gordon 1:08:06
Yeah, shoot us some questions that we can ask these guys for you If we miss something. And of course if you have something else that you’re dying to know way too much information about. We got all science and learn you this episode. Yay. Oh, science. Whoo. Hey, Mallory. It’s been a while. Hi, tell everybody where to find it.
Mallory Gordon 1:08:24
I just gave you sweet love this weekend. That too. Oh, that’s not what you’re talking about. No, but I’d like some more. Yes. So we are casual swinger everywhere. You can find us a casual swinger calm and feel free to shoot us a message podcast at casual swinger Comm. See, I remembered where we live. We are also on social media as casual swinger that is Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and Twitter. And then you can find us on the dating sites, web nation so sscc and Cassidy
Mickey Gordon 1:08:50
and I think that’s pretty much the complete list. Alright, guys, we’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Hope you enjoyed this exploration of lube and he called slippery when you’ve been listening to get lubricated