Maybe one of the most overused (and feared) concepts in the lifestyle is “taking one for the team.” Scroll any couples dating site & you’ll find that almost as many people make negative references to this disparity as post that silly “disclaimer” for Sydney University & their dozens of studies performed on human sexuality over the years. (A story for another time…)
For the uninitiated, “taking one for the team” is the practice of engaging with (in any capacity, verbally, mentally, or physically) with one half of a couple despite having little interest or benefit to yourself for the effort. Often times this is mischaracterized as being simply a physical inequity between the two people on the other side (see references to “steering wheel couples,” for example) such that one of you is receiving an in-kind reciprocal investment and the other side is left wanting, or “taking one for the team.” Of course reality is something different entirely – there are LOTS of ways & reasons that someone might find themselves on the downside of an otherwise profitable arrangement for all parties involved. Some of these include:
Physical
Probably the most common way & most oft-referred situation where we “take one for the team,” because physical appearance is obvious to everyone. It’s also the easiest metric by which to set “standards” for potential play partners or friends in the lifestyle. Physical attributes that can inspire feelings of disparity in four way relationships include:
Weight
Height
Physical Fitness
Style
Sexual Attributes
Mental
A sneaky inequity that often isn’t as obvious to the “other” side until it’s too late, but mental disparities can include:
Education
Empathy
Language skills
Wit
Conversational abilities
Emotional
Another oft-overlooked disconnect in relationships, emotional stumbling blocks can include:
Love languages
Attachment types
Investment (Physical/Conversational/
Now, we’re not here to dig into what each of these things are (this time), or why…but simply to ask the question: Should I take one for the team? Or…shouldn’t I?
Hell no…let’s talk about why.
To really dig into this VERY emotionally charged subject, its important to recognized the stark differences between two VERY powerful emotions:
1) Jealousy. It means…”I don’t want YOU to.” Its the monster we blame for SO many feelings in either direction, and is OFTEN labeled as the monster creating arguments in lifestyle relationships when in reality, it’s Jealousy’s slightly more attractive cousin that we’re really dealing with…
2) ENVY. It means…”I want to…TOO.” So often we see our partners in situations we want to equally experience, and the resulting emotional volatility is assigned to jealousy…but the emotion we’re really experiencing is one of EXCLUSION, not abandonment.
So…am I taking one for the team and feeling:
Jealous? Am I upset because what you’re doing is a violation of our personal boundaries? Am I upset because what you’re doing somehow denigrates my status in our relationship? Am I upset because I don’t see a way out of or back from this emotion? (These are all good reasons to take a step back and reflect together before moving forward)
Envious? Am I feeling left out? Am I feeling ignored? Am I feeling like my partner is getting something I’m not? Do I feel CHEATED in this exchange? (It’s important to articulate these emotions without assigning blame, as the second your partner feels attacked through no fault of their own, the fight starts.)
So…it sounds like “taking one for the team” is rooted in ENVY. Am I right?
I feel like I’m bringing something to the table that’s being unrequited by the other side, for any of the bevy of reasons articulated earlier…but SOMETHING is missing. Here are some examples:
“I workout regularly and care about my body. This prospective partner seems to love tater tots…alot.”
“I love a great conversation. Chatting, flirting, sexting…it’s a HUGE part of my love language. This person is utterly monosyllabic.”
“I love sex. I love experimenting, trying new things, and pushing my and my partners boundaries with consent. They seem to be doing this out of obligation and are just going through the motions…”
“They don’t XYZ. I really need that to have a good time.”
Wait..how the hell is ANY of that about ENVY?
Because it REALLY stings when you feel like your partner is bringing something to the table for the other side that you now (at least on the surface) cannot have…but you know the OTHER side is getting. Most of us in the lifestyle are part of a long-term relationship where certain comforts & expectations become part of the status quo. When those standards aren’t met (sometimes suddenly) it can feel like a HUGE disparity, and “taking one for the team” in retrospect. (The source of “aftercare” arguments too)
If ONE of us gets to have a great experience, for any reason…shouldn’t BOTH of us?
Well? That’s the question…and it boils down to your level of expectation: If you expect equity in all things, you’ll find yourself almost constantly left wanting. Life, as we were told as children, simply is NOT FAIR.
So, if you demand equity in all things at all times: NO. Do not take one for the team, it’s not for you.
BUT? Is there another way?
Yes, TAKE one for the team. (With some glaring exceptions)
Take two, or three. Take a bakers dozen if you like.
What are you taking? *EXPERIENCES*
If we can leave the obvious on the table, that if you’re feeling extreme jealousy or envy over your partners actions and experiences, you should resolve those feelings before moving forward with the responsibility of someone else’s physical and emotional experience on your shoulders…then yes, absolutely there is (at least potentially) something to be gained from extending yourself beyond your comfort zones.
Grossly broad disparities on any level can create some of those “obvious” issues (physical, mental, etc) but its rarely that easy to identify before you find yourselves in a situation where these boundaries, that we may not have even identified ourselves, are starting to be threatened.
What are some areas where it might actually be acceptable to take a breath & give it the ol’ college try?
Extroverts vs Introverts
Sure you’re super friendly, outgoing, a big talker…never met a person that didn’t end up a friend. But do you NEED that to have a good time with a prospective play partner? What about an ongoing lifestyle friendship? Part of being a great communicator is meeting the other person on their level, so roll up your sleeves & make it happen! If you’re the extrovert in this case, congrats…you got the easy assignment. Make it easy for them, ask open ended questions…and LISTEN. Hear them and make them feel heard. Show them. Introverts will reward you with an ongoing investment in your words AND your pleasure. If you’re the introvert in this situation, you got the short end of the stick. Introverts dislike small talk, platitudes, and meaningless chatter. Be clear about your boundaries and what you’d really like to find in another person, and let the extrovert close gap. With good communication, it’ll work out great. No guarantees…but this is one case where taking a risk by taking one for the team is potentially worth it.
Sexuality
This one is tough, especially in cases where a large experience gap exists either in the lifestyle or just sexually in general. Throughout our lifestyle journey we’ve encountered innumerable couples whose only sexual experiences have been each other prior to joining the lifestyle.
Whoa.
Yeah, it’s a lot to take in when you realize that you might be a 40 year old person’s SECOND sexual experience, or the only other person to ever get them off…or maybe even the FIRST. There are MASSIVE pitfalls when broad sexual gaps exist…but there are potentially great things that can happen too.
First, sexual awakenings occur every day. Maybe you’ll discover something you never knew you loved. A new kink, experience, or fantasy that you’ve never even considered might come your way with a person you might’ve otherwise summarily dismissed.
Second, our own habits are often our own worst enemies. Think about it: How often do you & your spouse revert back to the same positions for pleasure? (To use an obvious example) Now, assuming you have some lifestyle experience – have you ever tried to break out your “prize winning” trick on a new partner? How did it go? Now, how did to go when you were with a new partner and they KEPT DOING that thing that just wasn’t working because they couldn’t wrap their head around WHY it didn’t work? The kiss of death is the little quip, “My husband/wife LOVES this…”
Putting your own pride aside & “taking one for the team” (when it makes sense…this bears repeating) opens a door to experiencing something you’ve never had, done, or tried to do before. It allows you to discover another person’s triggers, invest in their pleasure, and potentially learn a new skill that you might’ve overlooked in the pursuit of your own or your partners pleasures. Taking one for the team can make you a better lover.
The Bottom Line
The obvious exception to everything above is when you have ZERO physical, mental, or any other conceivable attraction to the other person…DO NOT take one for the team… for any reason. It’s a non starter and virtually all that can come of it is strife, animosity, and anger. Set a list of acceptable gaps for yourselves (because they’re bound to exist) and discuss them so you’re not blindsided as they occur. Choose dates together by evaluating profiles as a couple & avoid the obvious roadblocks of physical, lifestyle, or regional incompatibilities (language, etc) before finding yourself in a situation where you’re not on the same page and forced to (potentially) uncomfortably address them in real time.
Simply stating “We don’t take one for the team,” isn’t enough. To expect that four people are going to land a perfect match across the board is akin to finding your soulmate in pre-school. It happens, but you’re more likely to be attacked by a shark…on a city bus. It’s also not fair to expect your partner to simply acquiesce every time an encounter arises, for any number of reasons (including personal indiscretion, excitement, attachment, or other reasons why we neglect our primary partners objections), when we all have needs to be met…even in commitment free engagements. The answer, as usual, is in the middle.
The ability to FIND joys in other people is one of the most beautiful parts of lifestyle interactions. Discovering those joys, while not an archeological expedition, may take a BIT more effort, but it’s WORTH it. Ask yourself if the best friends or loves of your life had a SINGLE metric by which you deemed them worthy…or was it several? Now compare two or three of them…are they the same? Probably not.
Diversity in attraction is as important as diversity in education, finance, and health. To be truly diverse, sometimes you have to abandon the ideas of “fairness, look a little deeper and abandon your comfort zone.
After all, the edge of your comfort zone is where life really begins.
