Mallory Gordon 00:08
You’re listening to the casual swinger podcast. As your hosts, we need to warn you that the material you’re about to hear may be sexual or explicit in nature. This podcast is intended for an adult audience. Now we don’t expect you to act like adults. What’s the fun in that?
Mickey Gordon 00:22
We’re a married couple living in Florida with over 13 years of experience in the lifestyle and we take almost nothing seriously. Casual swingers a variety show meaning we’ll cover everything from music to events, travel, and even the occasional hilarious screw up. Our show was about entertainment. We’re not licensed professionals had anything and our stories, commentary and guidance should not be confused with the opinions of a licensed professional.
Mallory Gordon 00:46
Now that you know, let’s take those pants off and get comfy. And hello, you’re listening to casual swinger. I’m your host Mallory.
Mickey Gordon 01:00
I’m that guy, Mickey.
Mallory Gordon 01:02
Hey, guy. How’s it going?
Mickey Gordon 01:05
Well, you know, just kind of hanging out. It’s time for another episode. Really? Shit. What are we gonna talk about? You know, we could talk about let’s talk about the fact that you were supposed to have a date this weekend. And instead we entered the red zone.
Mallory Gordon 01:19
Yeah. Yeah, the dreaded monthly fucking always grenades. Something like every month, it doesn’t matter.
Mickey Gordon 01:28
It gets in the way of our fun of our sex of our social life. That’s right. We’re talking about my so that everybody dreads
Mallory Gordon 01:34
and my sweet demeanor to it’s affected.
Mickey Gordon 01:38
Yeah, a little bit. The Dragon comes out. It’s like, oh, no,
Mallory Gordon 01:45
I mean, no, I just get a little sassy.
Mickey Gordon 01:48
I’m like, Hey, honey, honey, I love you. And you’re like,
Mallory Gordon 01:52
I don’t know that. That’s exactly how it goes. So we’re just gonna go ahead and preface this episode, anyone who is uncomfortable with the subject, you might as well just turn it off right now. And I know we said we’re going to do something fun. Trust me, we’re going to do our best with the subject.
Mickey Gordon 02:03
Yeah, I mean, we’re gonna try and have some fun with it. I mean, it is, you know, probably that thing that we all meticulously plan around to make sure it doesn’t ruin our lifestyle plans. And here we are. And we were pretty good at this, right. I mean,
Mallory Gordon 02:16
we are by body isn’t though your body sucks. Yeah, she goes rogue whenever she feels like it. So I mean, this is something that a lot of people in the lifestyle do have to deal with. So people have really great methods of mitigation. But work? Yeah, exactly. Like a cork. We’ll talk about that later. Okay. But like, you know, going on new vacations, a Keto desire, and you know, other resorts.
Mickey Gordon 02:41
I mean, you just, you just cut off the rip cord. Right for that, and you’re good to go.
Mallory Gordon 02:44
Oh, my gosh, let me handle the Okay. The dialogue on that side. Oh, all right.
Mickey Gordon 02:49
Well, anyway, but if you got one date planned with a new sexy friend, don’t forget your red wings.
Mallory Gordon 02:54
Yeah, no, I don’t do that.
Mickey Gordon 02:57
Yeah. Okay. But don’t worry. We’ll talk plenty more about that here in a little bit. And we have a whiskey of the Month for April. And the shirts coming out in April. I’d like to point that out.
Mallory Gordon 03:08
I know. Good job. Impressive. Next time you come I want to use that button.
Mickey Gordon 03:19
Have your chest and you go.
Mallory Gordon 03:22
Actually, it’s it’s children. It’s probably a bad idea.
Mickey Gordon 03:26
Never Nice. Where do you think children come from anyways?
Mallory Gordon 03:28
I’m moving on. Alright, so what have we been up to it? We got back from a trip to Virginia to see the grand spawn.
Mickey Gordon 03:36
Yeah, that was actually great. Because it snowed a week after we were there. It was cold as fuck, though.
Mallory Gordon 03:42
And it snowed before we were there too. So it decided not to snow. Thank you while we were there, because I I may have had a panic attack. I just
Mickey Gordon 03:49
would have started throwing things at passers by like I’m so fucking mad. It’s snowing all the fucking time.
Mallory Gordon 03:54
We had a great time we recorded in the cabinet and cheeses Criminy that kid is adorable.
Mickey Gordon 03:59
She’s super cute. Like it’s and I get I get this feeling like Okay, everybody thinks their grandkid is cute, but it’s a really cute kid. And I’m like, and I see some kids that look like Ross Perot, or you know, I don’t know, they just Yeah,
Mallory Gordon 04:14
Vicki Rooney and Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Gordon 04:17
An old man. And she’s really cute. And I’m like, Oh, that’s great. You’re so cute. But you know, my daughter was cute too. And she looks just like my daughter and she grew up to be an asshole. So I’m sure that my grandson will too. But you know, it’s not
Mallory Gordon 04:30
a bad thing. And she likes us, which is really fucking awesome.
Mickey Gordon 04:33
She’s okay with me. Like, she doesn’t really like me, per se. She just looks at me as well. You’re funny looking and starts laughing so which I think is pretty cool. Hey, we’ll take actually the same reaction that most women were so
Mallory Gordon 04:43
fucked though. Like when she gets older, she’s gonna be like, Hey, guys. I want a pony. We’re like, Babe, whatever you want. You want to pick your colors like we’re fucked.
Mickey Gordon 04:53
Oh, no, she’s getting any parents are fucked. We’re just gonna send the ponies home with her.
Mallory Gordon 04:57
I’m gonna have to we’re not retiring. We won’t be able to 14 to be grandparents anyway,
Mickey Gordon 05:01
buying more ponies? No, I didn’t really did like the cabin that we rented though I think, you know, it would have been a cool place to host some lifestyle friends.
Mallory Gordon 05:11
Actually, yes. With the exception that the floor above us was not insulated. It was literally just like wood.
Mickey Gordon 05:17
That’s our frame. It was a straight up Kevin like with the stairs of doom and every fifth
Mallory Gordon 05:20
stairs we’re doing Yeah. Filled with you. That’s what scary casual kid called it. But I would have totally hosted people up there. Yeah, I think 100%
Mickey Gordon 05:29
I mean, it’s funny, though, because I think the cabin kind of illustrated for me how different our lives have become, since we moved to Florida. Yeah, a little bit. Because being up there and seeing everybody is nice, but we had like no lifestyle friends up there.
Mallory Gordon 05:48
I mean, except for like, the Joneses. And we have
Mickey Gordon 05:51
no friends we live no friends we didn’t make before that’s actually
Mallory Gordon 05:56
true. That’s actually true. I think because we were so protective of our identities and iniquity that like the friends we did make were very, like hours away from us.
Mickey Gordon 06:06
Yeah. So what I mean of course, we have amazing friends now think, you know, God and whatever. If there’s a thanks, spaghetti monster. I don’t know, I don’t believe in God. But when we talk about, you know, just making the friends we have I think it’s an amazing thing and really fortunate for it. But I just we didn’t have any back then, of course, you know, we have all those cool people now adventure couple and sweet life and all those folks, but
Mallory Gordon 06:26
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we definitely have more friends up there in the lifestyle now than we did that and which is crazy, because
Mickey Gordon 06:32
I like 5,000% or whatever. But back to your
Mallory Gordon 06:35
point. Yeah, I totally agree with you the cabin. Totally could have done a lifestyle event. I maybe could have held a seance like it was a little little a little weird. And we were getting spiders, which was like, God, I forgot about that. I did write that in the review for the air b&b. First time ever. I’ve gotten an email from an owner while we were there saying, Hey, we’ve seen a lot of cars come and go, How many people are staying there? And I’m like, Holy fuck, they’re watching us. I was just making it outside.
Mickey Gordon 07:02
Yeah, cuz like we’re taking pictures for 30 days a laundry.
Mallory Gordon 07:05
So I’m like, oh my god, they didn’t mention that. So hopefully they or they
Mickey Gordon 07:09
saw it. Too busy. whacking off. Yeah, so
Mallory Gordon 07:11
guys that may be out there in the wild. Or maybe they’re just gonna pray for me because there’s
Mickey Gordon 07:16
a beginning of Mallory’s only fans, folks.
Mallory Gordon 07:18
There might be a lot of hype anyway. Anyway,
Mickey Gordon 07:22
I think it was pretty cool. But we’re traveling for work. Again, I’ve got five flights scheduled right now I looked at Southwest and I have five different trips scheduled on Southwest. Great. It’s been like three years since I’ve had five simultaneous trips planned.
Mallory Gordon 07:35
That’s awesome. I’m happy for you. That means they’re putting you to good use. I mean, getting you in front of people being a public speaker now,
Mickey Gordon 07:41
which is cool. And I am really excited because I get to see some of our friends around the country. Right?
Mallory Gordon 07:46
That’s true. You’re really good about connecting with folks in the cities. You’re you’re visiting.
Mickey Gordon 07:50
Well, I think they’d rather connect with you, but they will take me in a pinch.
Mallory Gordon 07:54
I do think it’s sweet when you visit like bring Mallory next time. Of course. That’s
Mickey Gordon 07:58
what they love. So like you’re not nearly as cute as she is. No, that’s not
Mallory Gordon 08:01
true. Everyone loves you. You’re so amazing to hang out with. But it makes me do good because I feel hotter, I feel well, I hope it’s more than that.
Mickey Gordon 08:11
I hope they just You’re funny.
Mallory Gordon 08:14
Anyway, since you keep cutting me off, I’ll just stop there.
Mickey Gordon 08:18
Proceed what cutting you I was just trying
Mallory Gordon 08:21
to say it was nice that you know, people miss you and look for you. And that sort of affirmation just feels good. So
Mickey Gordon 08:28
I love seeing them too. And you know the nice part. Now, with the stuff that we’ve got coming up in our world, you’re going to have a little more time possibly to come with me on some of these traps. True
Mallory Gordon 08:38
I am waving goodbye to my vanilla work. I don’t know what comes next yet. Like this was a very hard decision to make. And I’m stepping away from my vanilla job to work on some projects that you and I have background here. Casual toys being among Yep, casual toys and a couple other things that we can’t discuss yet but it’s exciting, exciting and scary at the same time.
Mickey Gordon 09:03
I think it’s really neat that the businesses that we’ve cultivated to serve the lifestyle because that’s why we started casual toys was to serve the lifestyle Yeah, not you know to profit from it or anything like that but that our businesses have grown our repeat customer base has grown. You know, the thing that I think I’m the most proud of with casual toys with and again, this is just kind of a a tangent, but you know it our our repeat customer rate is over 60% It’s just crazy how awesome this community is. And I’m so thankful for it
Mallory Gordon 09:34
very much. So I would have never imagined the type of support we get today. And I love how they still give us very honest feedback, especially if there’s areas of improvement and I love that that’s so invaluable because you can do a noodle wall thing thinking trying to think of things that will make it better but from a user experience or perspective. Gallic I can’t make that up.
Mickey Gordon 09:59
Yeah, there fucking mad at us. They’ll
Mallory Gordon 10:00
tell us 100% Anyway, speaking
Mickey Gordon 10:05
of community PCAP is coming up and
Mallory Gordon 10:07
that’s right. Oh my god, we’re inside lesson 60 It’s gonna be like 45 days or something’s Crazy, right?
Mickey Gordon 10:12
Listen, that was 40 days inside.
Mallory Gordon 10:15
We’re inside. Yes.
Mickey Gordon 10:17
Yeah, it’s it’s 70% sold out. We’re inside 40 days now to podcast a palooza if you haven’t done it yet, if you live under a rock, if you have somehow freed up your schedule, because that’s the only reason you would not have booked PCAP at this point is if your schedule didn’t allow it. That’s That’s just it, because it’s that good of an event. It’s that much fun. The people there that amazing. It’s the only reason I can think of you wouldn’t be done it already.
Mallory Gordon 10:40
Yeah, people are starting to post I’ve seen sneak peeks of like Athena outfits, which I’m always obsessed with. And I’ve started to compile mine, which I’m really excited about. So theme nights are going to be off the chain.
Mickey Gordon 10:52
I don’t know that I’m doing themed nights this time, just because I haven’t even had a chance to think about it. But I would like to point out to everybody that I’m stone sober and said be done it already. I don’t know why I said it. It just came out of my mouth. So there you go. Enjoy that.
Mallory Gordon 11:05
I was just gonna let it go. But since you pointed out
Mickey Gordon 11:08
I just can’t walk away. We do need warehouse space. somebody had the bright idea to order. I don’t know what 1000 pairs of sunglasses.
Mallory Gordon 11:17
Yeah, I believe it counted 800 cups and like 1000 koozies, too.
Mickey Gordon 11:20
We throw in some kind of I guess party maybe?
Mallory Gordon 11:23
Maybe but also I think I’m gonna take your your drinking and shopping right away.
Mickey Gordon 11:29
Yeah, probably should not drink and shop for swag for casual, casual toys. But the koozies are badass. I love the Casey’s, and they’re going out with a lot of our orders. If you order Uber Luber condoms from us, we tend to throw koozies in because they’re here in the warehouse in Orlando. So
Mallory Gordon 11:45
yeah, I love those. Toss that in. So real quick, I have to just if you want to slide a little something in here for the toy store. I have been using the shit out of my rows away. Oh my god, I fucking love that thing. So, for me, I’ve been using it like laying on my back. Which is unusual. Yeah, so I’m a belly masturbator for the most part. Fun fact, folks. So much
Mickey Gordon 12:07
less fun to watch. By the way, guys, he just lays on her belly. Till she comes. It’s like what’s going on?
Mallory Gordon 12:12
Well, okay, first of all, I’m not doing it for you. It’s totally for me. And it’s just a convenient spot. And it feels good. Because then I can kind of like hump my hand. I don’t know. Anyway, it’s just my, that’s my usual preferred method. But I love the rows on my back because of the way the mechanism that it uses the pulse, the progressive back and progressive thing you forgot some mechanism has for its shape. I don’t know, it just it feels really good. And that motherfucker, you know, I’ve only charged the thing twice. Really, that battery life is ridiculous.
Mickey Gordon 12:48
For a cheap sex toy. It’s
Mallory Gordon 12:50
like It’s like it fits in the palm of my hand. Like it’s tiny. But, you know, still got some girth to it like it’s sizable. So that’s the only
Mickey Gordon 12:57
time that I’m going to allow you to say it fits in the palm of my hand. It’s tiny. And not give you a hard time.
Mallory Gordon 13:05
You know what I mean? Like if I cup it, and I know I’m making the hand gesture, you know, when there’s a fuckup
Mickey Gordon 13:11
You look like you’re making a T Rex like shadow? Yeah.
Mallory Gordon 13:16
Anyway, so can we do a special on those? Yes, we can? Because I’m a little obsessed with it. Sorry. Go ahead. No,
Mickey Gordon 13:23
you can be obsessed. It’s okay. You’re a mother. Yes. And this is Tucker. I’m a motherfucker. But hey, we’re gonna run a special between now and Mother’s Day on the rows. If you search for the rose on casual toys.com You’re gonna get the rose for 2999. And you get free shipping on the entire order. Oh, so if you put a rose in your cart, you’re gonna get the rose for 2999. And that and you can see it right there. When you go to the roads, you just have to click add to cart from inside the bundle there. And it will give you free shipping on the entire order as well.
Mallory Gordon 13:52
I love that. Well, look, have you been generous and all because it usually almost 70 $69.69 for
Mickey Gordon 13:59
free shipping Bongo since I love single moms always have.
Mallory Gordon 14:02
You don’t have to be a single mom to get the deal. Let me be. Let me be very clear.
Mickey Gordon 14:07
Oh, all right. for Mother’s
Mallory Gordon 14:09
Day, you’ve supported single mothers for a very long time.
Mickey Gordon 14:14
Anyway, so yeah, check out your rows on casual toys.com. And, you know, let us know what you think of it. I think it’s a pretty cool little toy. And, you know, we’ll go from there. But if you you know, PCAP casual toys. It’s kind of the normal rundown here, right?
Mallory Gordon 14:29
Yeah, guys. I mean, you should come on here and do our intro for us at this point.
Mickey Gordon 14:34
Everybody knows exactly what we’re going to talk about. But we’re gonna come back here in just a hot second. And we’re going to talk about the red zone. And we have a lot of things to talk about the red zone. It’s not just talking about you know,
Mallory Gordon 14:45
oh evey. Yes, that stuff. Yes. We’re not gonna get too graphic here but like, you know, talk about what it’s like mitigation. And just being honest about it. I’m trying not to get too graphic in purism nowhere Talking about that we’re going to
Mickey Gordon 15:01
talk about that particular disgusting kink. Thank you.
Mallory Gordon 15:03
Oh, wow, look at you being judgey I mean, I don’t want to any part of it, but like I wouldn’t be
Mickey Gordon 15:08
I cook my meat anyway. All right.
Mallory Gordon 15:10
Do you want to find us? Yes, I certainly can. Thank you.
Mickey Gordon 15:14
I know you were desperate for it. We aren’t keep saying you’re talking casual swinger
Mallory Gordon 15:17
everywhere that is casual. swinging.com. Feel free to send us a message at podcast at casual swinger.com. If you’d like to say something nice about the show. Feel free to do it on iTunes. And if you don’t, just keep it to yourself. And we’re also on social media, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Facebook, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and Twitter. twitter.oh By the way, Elon Musk bought that motherfucker today. Yeah, no more Shadowbane Thank you, Uncle Ilan for saving us. Yes. Anyway. And you can find us on the dating sites and somebody nation, Cassidy SLS in sec.
Mickey Gordon 15:51
There it is, folks. We’ll be back in just a hot second to talk about the red grocer out completely can’t wait this. Let’s do it back in a second. Listen to casuals. And welcome back after that short break, this is still casual swinger. And I am still your master of clitoris. Mickey.
Mallory Gordon 16:27
Well, hello, Mickey.
Mickey Gordon 16:29
That’s what MC stands for. Right?
Mallory Gordon 16:30
Yeah. Master of glue. Taurus. Very nice. I thought it was emcpe.
Mickey Gordon 16:35
Oh, all right. Well, I’m just Mickey then.
Mallory Gordon 16:38
Okay. Well, no, I would totally second guess myself because I am not any spilling champ of anything anywhere.
Mickey Gordon 16:44
Mc is short for Master of Ceremonies. Okay, so it is MC it is yeah, but people spell it out. EMC E,
Mallory Gordon 16:51
well, there you go. This is why you make the big bucks. I know minimum
Mickey Gordon 16:55
wage and it went up. Very excited. I can afford.
Mallory Gordon 16:59
So let’s talk about the dreaded red zone, you know, dreaded red zone. So, you know, I want to say out of the lifestyle events, parties trips, bla bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, people coming in. There’s probably 20 25% chance that it me getting my period has impacted the environment or play at some point or the other, just from a statistical perspective. At a minimum,
Mickey Gordon 17:27
the nail on the head because if there’s four weeks in a month in one of them, you’re on your period, that is literally 25 Fucking percent of the time I look it up in all math, like check me out. But you know, as a guy, we’ve got this shot on lockdown, right? Because if we want to do lifestyle stuff, we just go. Yeah, I’m free.
Mallory Gordon 17:42
You know what? And I think it’s also why most of the guys hand the baton over to the woman so she can make the decision if that has to be a factor in the planning, right?
Mickey Gordon 17:54
I think that’s part of why I look at you and go, Hey, honey, Are we free on? You know, December 7? And you’re like, Yeah, but I’m going to be on my period. And I’m like, okay, cool. We didn’t like them that much. Anyway.
Mallory Gordon 18:06
Well, and that far out. So we’re sitting here, April, so if you like even said June or July, I would be the mean with the blonde lady doing it every day Siculus math equation, trying to figure this out. And even then it’s never right. Because I’m never regular.
Mickey Gordon 18:20
Well, it’s never that simple. Because you have your waxing schedule. Well,
Mallory Gordon 18:23
that’s just it. Girls don’t have it as easy as guys do. Now. You know, maybe if I, you know, did laser, which I am not a prime candidate for I could try it and maybe it’ll work but I’m not a prime candidate for it. So there’s my waxing scheduled to consider
Mickey Gordon 18:39
can we record it when she’s at your posse and put it on the air? I mean, maybe that’d be great. Go ahead.
Mallory Gordon 18:45
I don’t know. That’s interesting, but maybe if it hurts, okay. It’s my cycle. But it’s also like, I’m the keeper of the family calendar too. So like, I don’t have a babysitter or anything but like the dogs like who’s gonna watch the dogs if we go away for the weekend? You know what I mean? Well, this
Mickey Gordon 19:02
Saturday, we’re like, hey, this couple wants to hang out. Yeah, let’s go hang out this couple and I told a couple Hey, yeah, hang up the on Saturday. And what does Mallory Tell me? I took a turkey out of the freezer on Tuesday. So that Turkeys got to be cooked on Saturday. Guess who didn’t go out with a new couple one Saturday because we had a fucking turkey. No.
Mallory Gordon 19:20
Two things. First of all, fuck you for calling me out of Maine turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey. I was craving it period cravings, right. I was craving it earlier in the week. So he took it out and it took longer to defrost I anticipated. And I was happy to put it in earlier in that day, but we hadn’t had plans finalized. And I’d structured it so we could still go out that evening. It just didn’t work out. But I my ovaries demanded roasted turkey. I don’t know why I wanted it.
Mickey Gordon 19:48
Well, you made it. I have a full on Thanksgiving fucking meal in here on Saturday and I had roasted carrots and stuffing and potatoes and gravy and I’m like, did I fuck Did I like fall asleep and wake up? And it was November? I mean, what happened?
Mallory Gordon 20:03
Well, so I think initially I had planned it for like Easter weekend and it just didn’t happen. And so I’m big. So then I kept thinking about like, I dreamt about the fucking food, and I am 30 years old. And how did I fucking not know this? I’ve been having my period for 20 years. Okay, got it. And I didn’t know that the dreams. The fucking libido. Like I the night before I got the day before you appear to have like 14 orgasms.
Mickey Gordon 20:39
Oh, yeah, you were straight up thunder. Horny. You were the penis.
Mallory Gordon 20:43
Yeah, and these weird cravings. I’m totally oblivious. I’m like, Oh my God. I’m surprised I got my period. Like it did not put two and two together and Oh,
Mickey Gordon 20:52
clearly I didn’t either. Because you kept chasing me around like there was my dick was chocolate. Dick. Yeah. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Alright, slow down Willy Wonka like but it literally I looked at you at one point. I’m like, you have a date tomorrow. Get off me like you’re like I got this new I got this. And then you’d end up not getting to go on your date.
Mallory Gordon 21:12
No. And then yeah, and then I cried. I cried before I messaged them. It was like you’re
Mickey Gordon 21:18
off the menu. Well, and least the roller coasters.
Mallory Gordon 21:22
I mean, yeah, the roller coasters close. Amusement parks open, but only, you know, the northern side of it. What about the log? flumes? Definitely not. Nope, we’re not even going there. No, there’s nothing about but stuff that turns me on, especially on my period. Like I have to be in the right headspace to even consider it like outside, touching, looking whatever is fine and usually welcomed in the moment. But like penetrative animal stuff. I just have to be in the headspace for dinner. It’s not something that turns me on every single time and can like surprise me with it. I’m like, ooh, that feels great surprise projects. Nope, doesn’t. Not my thing. But like, especially during anyway, especially during the period, like no fucking chance. I’m into that. But it’s I digress. Well, let’s
Mickey Gordon 22:08
have some fun. Okay, right, maybe? Because there are so we’re what are we talking about with the red zone? And we’re talking about menstrual cycles and the lifestyle and how being on your period is it’s kind of embarrassing for a lot of people. And I
Mallory Gordon 22:24
really struggle with Yeah, it should not be as embarrassing or shameful as we make it out to be. But it’s hard not to feel that way.
Mickey Gordon 22:31
Well, I think we look at it the wrong way. We look at it as an inhibitor or some sort of blockade to the things that we want to do. And the reality is, we should be celebrating, gentlemen, the betrayed pregnant, you
Mallory Gordon 22:46
know, okay, that’s one way to look
Mickey Gordon 22:48
at it. No. And of course, I’m kidding. I don’t refer to women as bitches. I’m just making a joke. But it is kind of exciting to know that you are not going to be a parent again, and you don’t have 18 years of kids to pay for it.
Mallory Gordon 22:58
I haven’t had to worry about that. No, very fucking long time.
Mickey Gordon 23:00
I take a sure blow jobs are so good that they never get to the vagina. That’s true. That’s exactly why
Mallory Gordon 23:05
it’s gargling to garlin helps. But anyways,
Mickey Gordon 23:09
let’s talk about some names. Because here in America, we have about 5 billion names. And
Mallory Gordon 23:15
over a period I know and I think everyone kind of has their own nomenclature to it that they’ve grown up with and sometimes it’s geographical or family oriented, or like, even dated to the decade. And there’s some really great ones. So round here. We call it Shark Week.
Mickey Gordon 23:30
That’s right. It’s always sharp. And what I love is when we call it shark, we can look at Shark Week and like, oh shit, I didn’t even notice that. I didn’t know you watch Discovery Channel. And I look at them and I’m like, Really? Really? Mimsy. That’s what you got.
Mallory Gordon 23:42
Yeah, and even like with the kids, it was like Shark Week. Wha?
Mickey Gordon 23:46
Right. And then then they’re like, I don’t get it. Like there’s fucking blood in the water. Okay, that was the alabaster scrotum by the way. He’s like I don’t get it. What shark week I’m like you’re one of the smartest people I know that the sun get to your dome. I mean really? Had to tell
Oh, that was harsh. He’s bold as fuck yeah. And I mean
Mickey Gordon 24:04
How about time of the month? That’s pretty common place well, I think that’s like the base lead to me our way yeah, that’s my time of the month. Yeah, that explains why I’m being undercut and I’m angry at you.
Mallory Gordon 24:15
Okay. Okay, first of all, do you realize it is actually shark week and I will thunder continue to watch yourself mister. But I think it’s just your way of seeing it and I can I’m offended by time with a month because it’s so like I don’t know people use it in edit degradative way I guess well at times
Mickey Gordon 24:39
I don’t know if someone is necessary. I think guys do it to justify why they’re here should be acceptable to a woman when it isn’t. And they go well it must be her time of the month or and that’s denigrating yeah I would get that denigrating. Okay, but I don’t think generally speaking, I don’t think it’s a negative thing. It’s like hey I don’t feel good I got cramps I’m not in a good mood it’s my time to the month that isn’t denigrating but when a guy says it about somebody to justify why they couldn’t possibly be wrong, it he couldn’t possibly being an asshole. It’s got to be her must be her time. Really is insulting. Yes.
Mallory Gordon 25:18
And where were they feel like she’s been unreasonable? Yeah, like oh my sphere time. Right between the eyes.
Mickey Gordon 25:26
Pow, right? Yes, sir. Two Inch Punch. Bam. But you know one that’s closely related to that and that you don’t hear a lot is Uncle Tom’s in town or Tom’s in town?
Mallory Gordon 25:34
I’ve never heard that one. Tom is time with a month. Oh my fucking god. Yeah. Light bulb just when I was two years old.
Mickey Gordon 25:42
You’re 20 years old and you learn that one. Okay.
Mallory Gordon 25:44
How about flows in town? Oh, and flow is definitely the one. I heard that actually in health class and middle school really? Can’t flow.
Mickey Gordon 25:53
Yeah, yeah. It flows in town. Grandma’s in town.
Mallory Gordon 25:57
Yeah. A little more. Like, raunchy would be what on the rag?
Mickey Gordon 26:01
Oh, god. Yeah. Which I don’t even know what the etymology of that one is. But like, the ragged people like literally, like use racks. Use an old rag or Yeah, I mean, what did they get for that they use a sheep cotton
Mallory Gordon 26:14
scraps. Just grab a sheep and write. You want the history of like, sanitary napkins and like feminine hygiene.
Mickey Gordon 26:21
Can you keep it from losing listeners by crushing them?
Mallory Gordon 26:23
The Definitely not. This is if we want to grenade the entire podcast and never have another human listen to it again. But I will give it to you. No, no, I think we’re good. Yeah, we’ll give you the Google link.
Mickey Gordon 26:34
There you go. Take the Google link and be happy. All right, here’s one. This is I like this one. Crimson Tide. Sounds like isn’t there a movie called Crimson Tide? Yeah, it’s a submarine. And everybody likes dice isn’t
Mallory Gordon 26:47
like an SEC football team is
Mickey Gordon 26:50
also Alabama. Yeah, they’re the Crimson Tide. So they’re basically a bunch of tampons. Yeah, that’s what I think of Alabama. Right. Pam has a bunch of use tampons. Okay. We’re Clemson fans for
Mallory Gordon 27:05
committedness For for integrity here because the start of the fall season. I’m literally we’re gonna do a gift. And I’m gonna roll tampons across the floor. And roll tide roll tide. That’s happening. You’re welcome.
Mickey Gordon 27:20
Now I know. We probably got some Bama fans out there that are listening. Going. Yeah, fuck you, Mickey. Oh, what? You can yell fuck me in the national championship game. I know your fuckers will be there and hopefully that they’re
Mallory Gordon 27:31
always there yet. Fucking always there. Anyways, here’s a hippie one. What about your moon cycle? Oh, how crunchy Stevie Nicks have you?
Mickey Gordon 27:40
Are you gonna like rub some stones on the side of your forehead and yeah, dance under the moonlight.
Mallory Gordon 27:46
Yeah, I hear moon cycle and I go you don’t wear a bra? Well, I mean, I don’t even have time either. But no, you
Mickey Gordon 27:54
definitely shouldn’t. You have a fantastic gravity to fine tune. It’s
Mallory Gordon 27:58
fucking hope so we paid good money for these. Yeah, we
Mickey Gordon 28:00
literally paid money to fight gravity. Yes. Should I break into song?
Mallory Gordon 28:04
Yes. I was gonna say let’s sing wicked right now. Amazing voices not?
Mickey Gordon 28:09
Clearly not. How about. This one is just a lie. Mother nature’s
Mallory Gordon 28:14
gift. Yeah, that one can fuck the fuck off. Moving on. It is a gift. It’s for whom?
Mickey Gordon 28:18
Don’t you feel a gift every time this happens to you?
Mallory Gordon 28:21
Yeah, no, I think you spelt murder wrong.
Mickey Gordon 28:24
No. That’s what I did. Yeah. Code Red. Definitely.
Mallory Gordon 28:28
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that’s something I’d like when I can I know it was for your girlfriend like Code Red. You got it. You got to pollen in your bag. Get a napkin? Yeah. No, I’ve never said
Mickey Gordon 28:39
the fluffy little cloud hanging out in a plastic insertion device. Yeah. By the way, we know the guy that invented those.
Mallory Gordon 28:46
Actually, we do know an engineer that assisted on a specific type of tampon and brand and I won’t call them out because I don’t know if like they’re in wet SEC or something. But like, yeah,
Mickey Gordon 28:56
just the launcher that like fires this now to be
Mallory Gordon 28:59
to know not the launcher. It’s a specific like, the string and like that. Anyway, I don’t I don’t know that we can go in the schematics of it. But yeah, it’s a brand. There’s a patent on it. Yeah, I was like, that’s kind
Mickey Gordon 29:13
of I think he designed it. Like, I think he used the design for a German hand grenade. And that’s exactly what you know, just like because if you pull if you pull it, then something explodes and people die. Oh, he’s
Mallory Gordon 29:23
got a great line and something like, I’ve been in more vaginas than any other man you’ve ever met. And you’re like, I’m sorry. What?
Mickey Gordon 29:30
Oh, yeah, he actually did. He said that to us at dinner. Yeah, yeah. And I had been in more vaginas than any man you’ve ever known. And I’m like, you. I was like,
Mallory Gordon 29:38
did you watch them?
Mickey Gordon 29:39
Are you a gynecologic guest?
Mallory Gordon 29:40
Yes. Anyway, the curse and the dot the curse
Mickey Gordon 29:46
and the dot the cursor that little flu Yeah.
Mallory Gordon 29:52
Yeah, fuck that one. That’s that’s a little. Now that’s negative. I don’t like that. The curses of the My grandmother would say, No, the dot I get cuz like the period, I kind
Mickey Gordon 30:01
of feel like it’s like a party but alright, this is one of my favorites, right in the cotton pony.
Mallory Gordon 30:06
Never have I ever heard anyone say that. So I feel like this one’s a fucking lie. What? It’s awesome or does that well you’re gonna start using it right here.
Mickey Gordon 30:13
That’s right. Are you gonna ride the car? How about just don’t kill me. That’s what I call it. Please don’t kill me.
Mallory Gordon 30:18
Yeah, this one I’m going to call a little bullshit. I’m checking into the red roof in
Mickey Gordon 30:24
checking into the Red Roof Inn. Yeah, that maybe if you’re gonna hit it while she’s on her period, then that’s what you’d be doing.
Mallory Gordon 30:32
Yeah, sorry, choked on air there. Carrie I’ve heard
Mickey Gordon 30:36
Yeah. How about the Red Wedding? If you’re a Game of Thrones fan? Oh my gosh. Sounds an easy one. Yeah, well, if you’ve seen Game of Thrones, then you know what the red wedding is? Yeah. And the last one. You want that one? Well,
Mallory Gordon 30:49
sure. I’ve no I don’t. I’m not saying that.
Mickey Gordon 30:53
Actually, I have said it. Give me that look, okay. It’s a crime scene down there. Fuck you.
Mallory Gordon 31:01
Alright, so I’m gonna fuck you up. And we’re gonna go ahead and give a summary of that story real quick.
Mickey Gordon 31:08
Go right ahead. Okay, go ahead and go ahead and tell this story because so are the villain here.
Mallory Gordon 31:12
All right, the I’m gonna preface this with I am very unpredictable. I have never been able to take oral or implanted contraceptives. We’ll get into that later. So my prophylactic options have always been abstinence or condoms. Okay, okay. And abstinence has yet to work for me.
Mickey Gordon 31:30
I think it’s ever worked ever,
Mallory Gordon 31:33
and my periods really irregular. And again, I am 30 years old, and I still don’t fucking know, by any amount of predictability when my periods going to come and even the identifiers are beyond me. I’m a fucking moron. So we had just started dating long distance you come down for a visit. And I wanted that deck so fucking bad.
Mickey Gordon 31:55
You met me in the driveway. A Ted basically shirt cocking it except it was shirt pushing it. I’m not sure what to call.
Mallory Gordon 32:02
I literally only put a T shirt on to come outside and greet you and drag you into my bedroom.
Mickey Gordon 32:07
You were like we’re fucking now. I’m like, driving 14 hours my balls smelled like a cheese try.
Mallory Gordon 32:12
Didn’t care. I was like, you just have to lay there I am taking it. So
Mickey Gordon 32:16
you took it. I did. I mean, like round after round after round hammering it.
Mallory Gordon 32:22
So we don’t traditionally have sex plates off because you’re a very visual person. However, my son who was very small, very, very small time had just fallen asleep yet. He had gotten up from a nightmare. Like whatever he had been up late. just gotten back to bed. So we’re so glad lights off. And I mean, we’re just going to town and I’m so wet and it’s great. And oh my god, it’s so good. I
Mickey Gordon 32:44
beat that ass like it. It would mean money. Yeah.
Mallory Gordon 32:46
And who I was like, I feel I got the dicta. And I was I’m gonna use a friend’s term. I was stigmatized. I was totally dignitize
Mickey Gordon 32:57
boys came on.
Mallory Gordon 32:59
He’s been lights on.
Mickey Gordon 33:00
Have you guys ever seen the TV show? Criminal Minds?
Mallory Gordon 33:04
I have. Are you picking on me? You’re so fucking picking on
Mickey Gordon 33:07
- I’m just saying. Well, Criminal Minds is your jam. So I’ve seen it about 62,000 times every episode in perpetuity, and it’ll happen again because you can’t watch a new show to save your life. But when we watched Criminal Minds, I saw these guys they always seem to walk into a crime scene and spray lumenal on everything and then they turn the lights off. And then you see what happened. I
Mallory Gordon 33:31
pray to God no one ever uses luminol in that room ever again because when we turn the lights on, it was horrific. It
Mickey Gordon 33:38
was like someone slaughtered cattle in that room and then drew in it on the walls with their hands
Mallory Gordon 33:44
so you went a stark shade of white Yeah, about dying i i know you were like oh my god would happen like you thought I was injured and I’m going oh my god, I’m fucking moron.
Mickey Gordon 34:00
With this penis, yeah, literally. I thought it was the end you were
Mallory Gordon 34:05
expecting my body to see where the blood was coming from was like I can tell you where it’s coming from and it’s not anywhere around my armpits or my ankles where you’re like covered in blood. It was all your hand prints on the walls. It was hands down the most embarrassing moment okay. I will say you you didn’t make me feel bad. Until we had cleaned it up. My panic had subsided and you started laughing your ass off like we cleaned that like chip the sheets the bloody
Mickey Gordon 34:35
entrance on the walls where I had my hands above you because we were doggy style and my tiny ones below hands were right above the pillow and the for perfect bloody handprints on the wall we turn the light on and like I we were never gonna be able to sell this house. We’re fucked.
Mallory Gordon 34:50
Yeah, it was bad. There was absolutely no no I don’t know how many cars paint we put on that wall but it’ll still show through. Oh, it was yeah, it was and I’m embarrassed now just retaliate. It’s all your
Mickey Gordon 35:02
fault, by the way, like cuz you all you had to do is be like, hey, this could be a thing. And I’d be like, no problem. I love blue job week.
Mallory Gordon 35:10
I am, you know, we’ve had blue dog week for a very long time
Mickey Gordon 35:13
since I met you. Like, that’s our that’s our little ways.
Mallory Gordon 35:17
I’m sorry that I can’t acknowledge the identifiers that should lead me to believe that it’s a minute, like it’s coming. But like, I’m on the 20 to 38 day schedule. Like who fucking knows roll the dice. It’s a common, it’s homeboy a year and a half gonna happen somewhere between 10 and 12 of these this year, maybe nothing. And I think it happened and we’ve had the skip homes, which the skip them scare me because
Mickey Gordon 35:43
especially if we played that month, and I’m like, great. No, no,
Mallory Gordon 35:46
I’m not even scared of that. At this point. It’s now I really don’t know when the fuck this motherfuckers coming. Because I’ve had the Phantom random like two three days and in between when I’ve skipped and I’m like, Alright, so complicated. And then I go WebMD Oh, my God, I have this horrible disease ever. Look
Mickey Gordon 36:05
at WebMD you’re always dying on WebMD it’s just how it goes. But you know what? So we talked about names for it. But what we didn’t do is take care of our friends in other countries.
Mallory Gordon 36:18
I had nothing to do with us. Absolutely nothing. This is all Mickey and but I will admit. So we’re not nearly as creative. As like Europe, for example, France
Mickey Gordon 36:30
is the best. Like France has so many great names for period that it’s it’s outrageous. China’s boring as shit. Yeah, but France has it on lockdown. Germany’s pretty good.
Mallory Gordon 36:42
But alright, so are you gonna say in both languages?
Mickey Gordon 36:45
Alright, so I’ll take a swing at it, then I’m gonna play the Google translate for you guys. And then I’ll tell you what the translation is. Are you ready?
Mallory Gordon 36:55
I’m ready. Let’s start with German.
Mickey Gordon 36:57
All right, so and I just picked like one or two from each of these languages. There’s a bunch of them. Google it if you want to. They’re hilarious. But I picked one or two because you know we only have so much time. So the Germans call it the rota pest de hota pest or the red plague.
Mallory Gordon 37:18
Very obvious and on the nose and very German of them because everything let’s and then I’m sorry anyone who speaks German, but everything sounds like very serious and like very angry when they speak sometimes. So like the red plague makes sense to me. I think so like
Mickey Gordon 37:35
Yeah, it’s like everyone look out the red plague is coming. Oh no, that’s just mom she’s pissed.
Mallory Gordon 37:39
Now the French that’s confusing because like French the language is the opposite like when I hear it being spoken because I can’t speak it I took a year of it and I cannot speak it whatsoever. Everything sounds so elegant and like sexy and it’s not
Mickey Gordon 37:55
Oh, well see when I read these I cracked the fuck up because I do read these and like a French accent that it’s all like elegant like you said and and really sophisticated. And then when I read what it actually meant I was just dying the first one was my favorite probably my favorite one of the bunch. Right and I don’t do French I never took French I don’t do French accents, which is why we’re gonna play this from Google translate for you. But it’s was it veg and element order sir. Or service? Yeah, our service is more service which is VHS for short. And they call it VHS. They will not actually speak it out in France. They just go it’s VHS vaginally out of order. Just shut down.
Mallory Gordon 38:43
See polar Peony standards get the little sign out of it like and the RS are backwards. Like it’s just hanging there.
Mickey Gordon 38:49
Yeah, it was written in crayon. It’s backwards, but that one was great. And now let’s see what Oh, the other one is great to
Mallory Gordon 38:57
you. Oh my gosh, you’re gonna make me I am horrible. I’m gonna sound like Peggy Hill trying to speak Spanish you know that
Mickey Gordon 39:04
right? Oh, that’s pretty great. Go ahead.
Mallory Gordon 39:07
Now I can’t do this. Lay on glaze on. The bark dens Mark who lay
Mickey Gordon 39:13
liaison lay on the back, kiddo. immaculate. British Army has arrived in my panties. The Redcoats are coming. Nobody’s coming. No one’s coming. If you look at me and say the British Army has arrived in my panties. I’m going to be like you’re a busy girl.
Mallory Gordon 39:34
I think you found some from the Italians too. Very much
Mickey Gordon 39:37
so and I definitely can’t do this one. But the Italians are surprisingly more reserved. The Italian said semaphore or so say my photo rose. So red light.
Mallory Gordon 39:47
Mickey Gordon 39:49
No, no, no red light. Stop, do not pass go do not collect $200 And do not get any on you. Okay,
Mallory Gordon 39:57
just from a cultural perspective. Isn’t it funny that read in every movie Most cultures mean stop bad don’t like red is like do not pass Do you think that comes from maybe?
Mickey Gordon 40:08
Well, that’s one of my issues were in specific and it nice much it’s well it’s yeah like Montreal when you go up there it’s just it’s Quebec as a whole let’s just it’s fucking Quebec so in Quebec stop signs don’t say stop they say on it and I think that’s the dumbest fucking thing in the universe because if you go to France Do you know what stop sign say in France? They say fucking stop Bigland s t o p in English they only say all right in fucking Quebec why is that because assholes about French language in Quebec I don’t know why but they are and everybody that we know that lives in Quebec including like honey spoon those guys yeah think it’s funny too they’re like yeah, we’re dicks just the good I
Mallory Gordon 40:53
think it’s layers. This is one of my favorite ones and the Danish which I’m Dutch and Danish by like heritage so like I have some fucking Viking blood and then I have my cute little Hollander blood.
Mickey Gordon 41:03
What kind of Danish Are you?
Mallory Gordon 41:06
Mickey Gordon 41:07
Delicious cream Danish? Yes,
Mallory Gordon 41:08
Cayman cherry. Oh, anyway. So I need you. I need you to try to say it in Danish. And then I want to tell the people what it means.
Mickey Gordon 41:20
Oh my god, what? First of all when? Why did the Danes use so many K’s in their common speech?
Mallory Gordon 41:28
Well, cuz I don’t know. Vikings.
Mickey Gordon 41:30
Vikings. Okay, and Viking. That makes sense. There’s a lot of consonants communist stutter II lift you said comunista elucid Huzzah.
Mallory Gordon 41:41
Communists in the gazebo. Okay.
Mickey Gordon 41:45
There are communists in my gazebo.
Mallory Gordon 41:47
Okay, I can appreciate the fact that they’re like, Yeah, communist negative negative connotation in our culture.
Mickey Gordon 41:54
I can appreciate that. It is a bloody pussy always me pussy gazebo. Maybe it’s a gathering place for friends it’s a give me it’ll me need speed. Your Pussy is the communal meeting space until the communists arrive and then everyone runs for the hills shelter and
Mallory Gordon 42:13
my gazebo. That’s great. Is that
Mickey Gordon 42:15
your clitoris is your culture is the roof of the gazebo. Take shelter, take shelter under Michael Taurus. That’s fine.
Mallory Gordon 42:22
You got a bunch of things in here. I look to one or two more because I don’t want to bore the people. I don’t want to get into like the mitigation.
Mickey Gordon 42:27
Yeah, we’ll get there but I kind of love the Chinese the Chinese really made me happy. And how do you say that? Because it was like a symbol symbol symbol symbol. Some fucking figures. I don’t
Mallory Gordon 42:37
like it. It’s like a jumping jack and like a guy throwing a punch.
Mickey Gordon 42:41
Oh, yeah. And then some doggy style.
Mallory Gordon 42:44
I was gonna say it looks like a closet organizer.
Mickey Gordon 42:47
From being Yeah, and the Chinese say not convenient. There the symbols mean not convenient. Now do you hold that up like wily coyote when he wants to fuck up No, not convenient Oh, sorry, my bad here. Hold this anvil
Mallory Gordon 43:08
everybody seems like I have a headache. Not
Mickey Gordon 43:11
convenient about the Japanese I love the Japanese one by the way makes no fucking sense at all. But I love it.
Mallory Gordon 43:17
I mean, I wanted to fucking Google this because I want to call you on your shit. But it says it’s a bunch of
Mickey Gordon 43:22
symbols or symbols Japanese do symbols to add
Mallory Gordon 43:26
up the arrival of Matthew Perry. What the fuck?
Mickey Gordon 43:32
And only one of the friends showed up? I don’t understand what Matthew Perry has to do with Jaguar period before Matthew
Mallory Gordon 43:39
Perry like of all the friends he was the one identified as period
Mickey Gordon 43:43
he’s the bad guy menstruation. menstruation. He is the one No one wants to see. I don’t get it but Matthew Perry is is that and it’s just crazy. Now the Spanish have a couple as well we’re almost done here. So estado del tomato is that the tomato meaning be like a tomato. And it also means crazy. Same thing. It’s a euphemism for crazy. That also that you’re on your period to
Mallory Gordon 44:11
be like it’s like the cat that got the butter. Yeah.
Mickey Gordon 44:15
And then Portuguese. Start to boy is the big boy alludes to the sacrifice of an ox and a slaughterhouse
Mallory Gordon 44:23
that’s paints the right visual like that’s
Mickey Gordon 44:26
pretty on point. But anyway guys, enough of all these things that the month is referred to you around the world. How in the hell do we deal with it here at home now Rick?
Mallory Gordon 44:34
Okay, so you just kind of go with the flow. Ha ha See what I did though not willingly. actually get for the most part. You’re You’re pretty good. I think you’ve been understanding and supportive, especially in reference to lifestyle events, like going to a nude resort, so that that I do appreciate.
Mickey Gordon 44:51
Well, I’m not gonna make you feel worse, right? Because you can’t control it. So if we get there and I’m like, Oh, you ruined my whole fucking vacation because you’re on your period. You know how that would make you feel? It’d be terrible.
Mallory Gordon 44:59
Oh my god. I’d cry and then I’d want to kill you.
Mickey Gordon 45:02
You probably kill me then cry. Actually, yeah,
Mallory Gordon 45:04
I start with anger. And then I close with the sadness. You go that’s on brand for me full on. But I mean, the point is like, does this get in the way? And you know what fucking day? Sometimes it does, you know, and it’s how your how you deal with it that precludes the outcome? No. And
Mickey Gordon 45:26
it’s almost not fair, I think because I don’t think there’s a guy in the world that would turn down a blow job or a hand job if if some sort of play started. But it’s just like, all the work is on you, and there’s no real benefit.
Mallory Gordon 45:36
Well, and that’s, I think that’s up to you individual. And, you know, if it doesn’t necessarily mean for me specifically that plays could puts it really depends on how I’m feeling. Because sometimes I feel I don’t feel well, you know, I feel gross and like, ill, to some degree, especially like the first day sometimes, and yes, it could put a wrench in in the play. But also, sometimes I’m super horny, and like the amusement parks still open, just because the south end is closed for maintenance. As we talked about, though, it is not that everybody heard it,
Mickey Gordon 46:13
they will agree with me,
Mallory Gordon 46:14
I cannot have witnesses to your death. So I’m just gonna move on. So how do we get around this? Personally? You and I, is there really any?
Mickey Gordon 46:26
Well, I think there’s two ways of talking about it, right? Because we talked about, you know, going down to a place where you’re going to be naked, right? Because it Hido naked means naked. I mean, you’re on the dude side, nude, or if you’re on the rag or not, doesn’t matter,
Mallory Gordon 46:39
right. And there’s, there are methodologies that I have used to be nude in those areas and said, This makers and people out but you know what it is what it is, it happens and there’s plenty of girls that go through this, that want to still participate and be part of the hype and the party and the area. And I mean, I’ve I’ve used the Diva Cup, which is an insertable you know, cup to help catch all that stuff. And
Mickey Gordon 47:03
but I mean, your period down there before No one’s ever known it right? Because yeah, because off the rip cord and do the Buffalo Bill. Right? Well,
Mallory Gordon 47:10
Wow, your analogies are really on off to the left a little bit this week. Maybe I’m a little sensitive, but ya know, I have a fixed my tampon to where you can’t see anything. So yeah, I shortened the string. Eliminating the strings is always a bad idea. Because depending on how long your vagina is, it could take some hunting to go get that fucker back. Oh, so you want to be very careful if that’s something that you’ve never done and haven’t done before that it’s a manual retrieval,
Mickey Gordon 47:40
like a salad tongs are hard to find it you
Mallory Gordon 47:43
know, I’m sure they’re fine. But if you’ve never Yeah, unless you’re comfortable with forceps Oh, effectively. i That’s frowned upon. They’re not solid, but I have I have used them. And that’s actually a trick I learned from someone at the resort. Because I surprisingly started it I was super sad. And they were like here, you know, be careful, but blah, blah, blah. This is something I do and lacunae works.
Mickey Gordon 48:07
You know, the girl tribes kind of the bomb, it places Aikido, and
Mallory Gordon 48:09
there’s no one who’s more understanding of your situation than then other girls who have been through it or on it at the same time, like they are so got your back, even if they’re like the nastiest of women, like they still have your back. They’re like, oh, so for me, I think I mentioned this earlier, I’ve never had an opportunity to mitigate it, where I complaint either plan it out through oral implanted or other contraceptive. My estrogen levels have always been so high that I can’t I’m completely ineligible for them along with a couple other hormones that have always been wonky. It started when I was a teenager, and it was like wow, these make me like cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And I don’t feel like myself. I almost feel like medicated and then like someone, like pulled my string for lack of a better term like I was very inconsistent in my moods. And it turns out that it was wildly unbalanced on my hormone levels. So I’ve been dealing with that. Pretty much ever since. And I’m on hormone therapy now, which I still have to watch my estrogen levels because it has cancer risk factors. Sure. So again, I’ve never had a predictability factor to where I can plan dates and vacations like it may be what it is when we had Justin Derek visit. I had Rando six days early. Like I knew I’d get it during the trip, but it came like five or six days certainly and I’m just like, fogged off luck. All right,
Mickey Gordon 49:34
your your period has cursed us with Jessen, Derek? I know I think like three trips in a row.
Mallory Gordon 49:40
I can’t even right now I swear. Like
Mickey Gordon 49:44
it’s at the point where they’re like, I don’t think they like us anymore.
Mallory Gordon 49:46
I got a fucking hope not like no my ovaries are bitches.
Mickey Gordon 49:51
The rest of the Swinging world knows what we think of Iowa. Sabotage. They’re a little worried sabotage.
Mallory Gordon 49:55
But there are options out there if you know someone is eligible for oral or implanted contraception that is a way to skip or mitigate your periods it does come with some risks right and just like anything else, age lifestyle overall health frequency of use and your your own body chemistry all come into play for those things so but but some girls are out there like I’ve met girls that have been oral contraceptives that haven’t had a period in four years however, they may get like spotting and bleeding in between or during sex sometimes especially with the IUDs so that’s something to consider. If that’s a route you’re going down.
Mickey Gordon 50:38
IUD is worrying me because you can feel them as a guy like you bang against it. You’re like, what is that foreign object in there? I can feel it and that’s not okay.
Mallory Gordon 50:46
Is that it freaks you out a little bit? A bit. Right.
Mickey Gordon 50:49
And then you hear it from somebody who’s like I haven’t had a period and for years and that’s where the there’s another Chinese I think it’s Russian actually there’s a Russian translation for on your period that is smells like fish.
Mallory Gordon 51:01
Oh my god. Oh, yeah, that’s horrible.
Mickey Gordon 51:03
There was a majority we didn’t know more with the same.
Mallory Gordon 51:05
But I mean, overall, like not even just like hiding it like hygienic ly, like we were talking about like on the resorts and if you’re nude, but also physically, like I don’t necessarily look you my first day. Like there’s there’s bloating, and other things
Mickey Gordon 51:22
weighed 80 pounds. So you bloat to 81
Mallory Gordon 51:25
I bless bless you, but even if it’s psychosomatic, I still feel it. So like, I’ve learned, you know, some some tricks and tips to help mitigate that a little bit like anti inflammatory meds, okay? Like if you’re, if you can take that like naproxen, Advil, ibuprofen, aspirin, anything that’s an NSAID. For me, it does help eliminate some of the muscular inflammatory responses some girls get. And also like just eating well, like I have digestive like, issues anyways, like I I’ve had to go completely gluten free in the last couple years because of that. And I’ve noticed if I increase my fiber, and I reduce my dairy, and I eliminate sugar, that actually helps me that I blow and my pain factor. Because I’ve had a lot like usually the first 24 to 48 hours, or so painful, though, like if you get three words out of me during the day, like you’re lucky. Well,
Mickey Gordon 52:21
you make an interesting point too, though, because for lifestyle resorts or travel vacations, you have a longer period of time with which we might have a few days where it isn’t, there are a few days where your your periods ended. And it’s not a thing. But when you go to like a lifestyle party, or you go to a swinger club or something like that, it’s a one night only event. So it can really mess that shit up. Right?
Mallory Gordon 52:44
Yeah. And I mean, as a girl, my advice is, if you’re uncomfortable, don’t engage, like put your comfort first. I think that’s very important. Because even if we try to soldier on sometimes you put yourself in situations where you don’t feel you don’t feel your best. And when you don’t feel your best, you know, it can ensue a little anxiety, panic. And then from a social perspective, if you are making connections, friends are trying to find future playmates, like that could be a hindrance, it’s okay to put yourself first in those environments. Right? And at least that’s my, my creed.
Mickey Gordon 53:17
And you can look at any of these people and go guys, I would love to hang out with you, I definitely want to do this but the communists are in my pants. That’s not gonna work
Mallory Gordon 53:26
well, and for us at lifestyle parties, regardless of if I’m on my period, like we don’t go with the intention of playing that evening. It’s happened maybe once, maybe twice the
Mickey Gordon 53:35
whole time we’ve been we’re not lifestyle club players.
Mallory Gordon 53:38
We’re not a club or party players for the most part it takes
Mickey Gordon 53:42
almost never fails. If we go and you’re on your period we meet we meet the perfect couple the perfect fun and they live in you know, Outer Mongolia and they’re only here for one night and they’re leaving again the next day and then
Mallory Gordon 53:53
I I started doing my blowjob exercises and I go, Are soldiering on.
Mickey Gordon 53:59
You know, swing clubs is, is kind of the same thing, lifestyle parties, swing clubs, whatever. It’s a challenge. And every time I’ve seen somebody mentioned, this is their condition, they just kind of shrug and look away. They’re broken. And this bothers me. Yeah,
Mallory Gordon 54:10
this is kind of like the crux of the episode for me because women feel ashamed when they have to explain it, like 99% of the time, like, I can’t, I’m on my period and they look down they don’t make eye contact. Well, they
Mickey Gordon 54:24
I think there’s two things that happen. First thing that happens is they either feign disinterest or they sit in the corner and they don’t talk to anybody and they look miserable because they probably feel a little miserable but they’re also upset that they feel like they can’t engage and then if you do force them to engage in my extroverted, ask us over there like, Hey, come on, let’s be my friend, be my friend. You want to play with your attendees? And they’re like, No, I’m on my period and they get all your about it and like I lost my tail. And I gotta tell you something, fellas, this is my thing to you guys for this episode. We have an opportunity. All right, this sucks when anyone feels like they’re broken, and it’s not their fault, we have an opportunity, we have an opportunity to make them feel beautiful and valuable and interesting. And just because she’s, you know, got the red coats in her shorts is not a reason to make her feel broken, we can still celebrate them, we can still make them feel attractive. And I promise you, if you make somebody feel like they’re part of things, and still valuable and still interesting and still beautiful, the next time you see them, they are going to suck it dry. They aren’t going to make your day.
Mallory Gordon 55:34
I think you just made a promise to people that may not scale. But I think it’s solid advice, though. And thank you for saying, Hey, you can still make them feel good.
Mickey Gordon 55:45
That’s our job, protect you make you feel great about yourself. That’s the two things we’re supposed to do. And I think it’s easy. And honestly, I don’t know that it’s necessarily us. I mean, I’m over here making a bunch of crass jokes and probably lost every woman listener we ever had with some of the things I’ve said this episode. But, you know, the idea is to make somebody feel beautiful, you have to make them feel like they’re not broken and that it’s not a big deal. And I think the important thing, if you’re going to make a joke, especially, you know, the Redcoats in your pants column industry in your pants, you know, not convenient,
Mallory Gordon 56:13
not convenient, I’m gonna start doing that. I’m gonna walk out of the bedroom, the morning of my period, and like, can you just put my hand up and go not convenient? It’s gonna
Mickey Gordon 56:23
be great. But the idea that all though is it’s not a mockery. It’s a support that we’re trying to provide. And this is not mockery, we’re not mocking anybody’s feelings or issues. Trust me. You know, poor Mallory has been through hell with some of these things she’s been through, especially in our lives, going to parties going to clubs going to hito, we’ve run into all of it. And that’s never been a mockery. It’s been like, you know what, let’s make the best of this and have some fun, have some fun and move on.
Mallory Gordon 56:52
And that’s just it. Like, I have to make it about the people not the act, because if I only make it about the act, then yeah, I’m gonna have a shit time three to six days that week. And I don’t want to coordinate that, like we have limited opportunity. We’re never guaranteed tomorrow. So I want to maximize it. And it’s an opportunity to still engage at different levels, even though that this isn’t becoming an encumbrance or burden, so to speak. And it doesn’t mean that people who are comfortable with the quote unquote Redwings, can’t do I know you have a problem with blood in general, as a practice, so for you to participate in sex, while a woman is menstruating is totally off the books for you, I get that I respect it. Don’t need it personally. Because most of the time, I don’t feel well enough to actually engage in intercourse. It’s all I want to say. And I also fucking ruins you. Like, I think I’ve convinced you of sour shower sex, like maybe twice towards the end. And that’s it and you’re not a big shower sex guy anyways.
Mickey Gordon 57:52
And not really, water’s not a great like, you know, again, there’s,
Mallory Gordon 57:55
there’s nothing necessarily wrong with period sex. Like, I think it’s the mess. That is the biggest turnoff for especially a couple, I don’t know a lot of people that play in the lifestyle. With that circumstance in play, it’s not a pool I’ve ever thought to take
Mickey Gordon 58:13
that’s a different level of comfort, beyond, you know, fluid bonding and all the you know, higher levels of comfort.
Mallory Gordon 58:20
I can’t say that. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s extremely incredibly rare. Okay. But I digress. Go ahead.
Mickey Gordon 58:32
No, I just I was gonna say it’s happened to me, right, like, one of the IUD and because I know, I hit it hard enough that, you know, they were bleeding. And my brain went to, from a safety perspective, you know, contact with with a lot of you know, bodily fluids is going to happen on some level, but that’s a that is d bodily fluid. That’s the one.
Mallory Gordon 58:56
Well, you’ve broken the barrier. Yeah. So you’ve gotten mucosal to Bloodborne. Yeah.
Mickey Gordon 59:01
And that from a pathogenic triggers out when it happened. I’m like, oh, no, I don’t know that I can ever do this again. Like I’m totally weirded out by it. But I did not make her feel that way. I made nothing of it. But I kind of walked away and probably thought about it for two days. But you know what, some guys do it and I think there is kind of a stigma about it for some but I don’t know that it’s a rite of passage anymore. Right guys used to be like, I got your red wings.
Mallory Gordon 59:27
Yeah, I remember guys talking about like high school and college like, like the red wings like and it’s something guys just read Berridge and I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there was very polarizing you had the faction of the guys were like, Oh, No way dude in some guys that were like yeah, I got mine like it was almost like a point of pride with them and it was very barf bag with purchase. Well, and it’s just like, now looking back, you know, several years later. Sure. Toxic masculinity was born. Oh, is that how Like in that locker room during those conversations that I had no business being in, but it was the boys locker room and I was very interested. Just kidding. You don’t think I’m funny tonight? I think I’m hilarious.
Mickey Gordon 1:00:11
I think you’re a riot. I was just kind of looking at the clock and going shit. We talked about periods for an hour. Oh, you just got me going. I know. I’m just kind of spoiled your string and off you went. Yeah.
Mallory Gordon 1:00:24
I’m gonna ignore that one. Like, James, my rare joke.
Mickey Gordon 1:00:27
The rare joke was not ignored. It was funny. Yeah.
Mallory Gordon 1:00:29
I’m still laughing on the inside. And all violations we don’t talk about at parties. Well, we just talked about my places.
Mickey Gordon 1:00:36
You have some beautiful places but it we are going to go away from this conversation and come back with something that’s a lot more delicious. Yeah. And also goes well with a nice rare steak. We’re going to talk about whiskey of the month a
Mallory Gordon 1:00:51
little scared of where that was going.
Mickey Gordon 1:00:53
Yeah, you knew where I was headed. Anyways, we will do the whole where to find us at the end of the episode. We’re just going to get away from this slightly touchy slightly vampiric conversation and get on whiskey of the month in just a minute as its own. No,
Mallory Gordon 1:01:07
I like that. I
Mickey Gordon 1:01:08
like that idea. We need more whiskey in this house. All right back into Flash, you’ve been listening.
Mallory Gordon 1:01:33
And we’re back. This is casual swinger and get ready for whiskey of the month. Whiskey candy is dandy. Bow whiskey makes you frisky.
Mickey Gordon 1:01:43
That’s right. It’s whiskey of the month time here a casual swinger. It’s the April whiskey of the month. And you know, I’ll say before we tell you which one this is this month. You know, I like the whiskies that we present to you guys, but we present very different options to you. And just a reminder to you, what we present to you we present to you whiskies that you can find just about anywhere in this country, for under 50 bucks. Yes, and that’s not easy. You know, sometimes these whiskies are going to be sourced, sometimes they’re going to be maybe an intro or a starter whiskey, so regionalised or regionalised. And in these cases, it may not be a whiskey that if you’re a whiskey lover, or whiskey aficionado, or somebody that drinks $500 bottle whiskey, you may not like it, and that’s okay, because these are for people to get to know whiskey and to get in at a price point, and maybe get behind a brand that they really believe in. And that’s what this month is all about Mallory, do you want to tell everybody what the whiskey of the Month for April 2022
Mallory Gordon 1:02:45
is I have a particular favorite this whiskey because not only the story, it is a great whiskey. But the story is very, very special as well. And that’s the thing I love about doing this whiskey month is the the behind the curtain conversation. So whiskey of the Month for April is going to be horse soldier,
Mickey Gordon 1:03:04
horse soldier whiskey. That’s right horse soldier is a storied whiskey and not because of the longevity of the brand. Right? The brand has actually not been around all that long.
Mallory Gordon 1:03:15
Oh, it’s fairly young. And the first part of the story, do you mind if I lead with that a little bit?
Mickey Gordon 1:03:21
Not at all. But I just want to remind people that normally we pick one expression from a brand and while that’s certainly the case here, we’re gonna throw an honorable mention out while we’re at it. But let’s go ahead and tell the truly extraordinary story of this uniquely American whiskey. Yeah,
Mallory Gordon 1:03:36
I love the research you do on this, by the way, it’s one of my favorite parts in the conversation. So the story behind War soldier is days after the events of September 11 2001. A small US Army Special Forces unit answered their nations called a defendant. They found themselves riding horseback and a Greenberg insertion in northern Afghanistan to fight the Taliban. With the support of these brave men, the Northern Alliance successfully overthrew Mazar e Sharif Sharif Sharif Sharif, a Taliban stronghold. These incredibly patriotic men were given the nickname the horse soldiers and were honored with the American Americans response monument at Ground Zero in New York in 2011. They were also the subject of a 2018 movie 12 strong and a book, the horse soldiers and 2010
Mickey Gordon 1:04:29
those 4x Green Berets leader came together to create the 16,000 square foot American freedom distillery here in St. Petersburg, Florida. That distillery is where they distilled their record rum and now their horse soldier whiskey. Of course that whole store soldier whiskey is also distilled in Ohio, but they distilled it here in Florida as well, along with serving patrons from around Florida and around the world at their urban still house, which is a bar In restaurants surrounding this amazing distillery, now I’m
Mallory Gordon 1:05:03
going to pause you there for a moment we’ve had the pleasure of partaking in libations and food, their lifestyle friends, we’ve had a friend that threw an epic birthday bash for a friend on their birthday that it was absolutely incredible. If you’re in the Tampa Bay area, and I want to visit St. Pete, there’s many wonderful things about that town that most folks will do enjoy lifestyle or not. Please make it a point to go to the urban sell house.
Mickey Gordon 1:05:28
Yeah, you know, the party that our friend through we call him the reverend. The party that the Reverend through is probably a party that will never be replicated.
Mallory Gordon 1:05:37
No, he’s he’s an epic party planner, and an eye for detail as well.
Mickey Gordon 1:05:42
And there are listeners that were at that party, so they know exactly what we’re talking about that party and urban stillhouse was a legendary shut down throw down Haute hootenanny. Great times and it was in 20s era kind of throwback. So super cool. And we actually got to go with some lifestyle friends to urban still house and see what these guys have created. And guys, what a top shelf operation it really is. I mean, wow.
Mallory Gordon 1:06:09
Yeah, we were afforded a room that had the doors on the rails on the slider. Yeah. So we had privacy amongst you know, the hustle and bustle, but even on the main floor, in the dining area, and at the bar, like it wasn’t an obnoxious hustle. It was actually very invigorating, great energy, great layout, great product. Just a great place to go visit even if it’s only for a cocktail. Just go
Mickey Gordon 1:06:31
yeah, check it out. stillhouse It’s, it’s a good place to go and CMP now another thing about horror soldier whiskey. And this is one of my favorite things about the story aim is that a portion of the proceeds from every bottle you buy goes toward maintaining America’s response monument in New York City. I love that is huge. So let’s talk about some details on this whiskey Miller.
Mallory Gordon 1:06:55
Yeah, so let’s talk about the straight bourbon whiskey. And that one starts at $39 retail, it’s cheap. Yeah. I mean, it’s it’s an 87 proof so it’s not you know, an overproof bourbon if you don’t like it super hot. I’m it’s aged a minimum of two years. So again, super young. This is a little more clear with a copper Giuseppe hue, medium viscosity, he’s got a well defined rivulets that down the side of the the tasting glass. So that means when you tip it or sip it, that you can see the trails? Absolutely. It’s got a different set of aromas, I guess you could call it a carnival, cotton candy, Butter Toffee and popcorn mixed with a violin meaning they’re the most prolific sense that you’ll get on the nose. So just because
Mickey Gordon 1:07:45
you’re whiskies you can get a little, it almost tastes like metal, almost because that’s common in younger whiskies, guys. So if you get that from it, one of my recommendations is once you’ve cracked it, and left it open, let it sit for a bit,
Mallory Gordon 1:07:58
while kind of like you would open a bottle of red wine and let it breathe. And that’s something we recommend what I don’t know that we’ve ever actually mentioned before, especially with bourbon. So we have young bourbons, let them breathe a little bit and I let them breathe in my glass.
Mickey Gordon 1:08:13
Yeah, and that’ll get a little of that metal slash chemical after what is that?
Mallory Gordon 1:08:17
Yeah. What is the shape of this? The testing sipping glass? It was a glennville. It had I see that we can put it. I’ll put it in the show notes. I got I got you set for Christmas this year. Yeah. Good care. Loved Karen. Yeah, maybe like Karen.
Mickey Gordon 1:08:31
I have said they’re amazing. No, I love it. I think it’s a scotch. You know, the palette on this one is a little sweet, actually. But balanced. Little pepper, a little vanilla, little cocoa butter. And just it’s kind of a soft finish with kind of hints of almost baking spices. And it’s, and again, by the way, every tongue is different. Every nose is different. And whatever you taste, whatever you smell, you’re right.
Mallory Gordon 1:08:58
You’re absolutely right.
Mickey Gordon 1:08:59
I’m sure right. That’s what it is.
Mallory Gordon 1:09:00
These are just the common themes of reviews from this bourbon. For me, I actually smell a little more spicier. Yeah. Like, like the cardamom, the cinnamon, like stuff of that creed, where I can identify and I like that. I actually prefer sometimes a younger bourbon, because of those notes that I get. And I like them a little warmer. I like them a little hotter.
Mickey Gordon 1:09:25
Mallory Gordon 1:09:27
this is a good intro because it’s not overproof so it’s not super hot.
Mickey Gordon 1:09:31
Exactly. And we did this last month with Elijah Craig’s with electric Craig small batch, which is another $39 Bourbon. And frankly, I like Elijah Craig better
Mallory Gordon 1:09:40
personally. That’s, that’s definitely one of your staples.
Mickey Gordon 1:09:43
It is and but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love for soldier. I think haushalter because of their story and because of their motivations and because of who these four men are, that started this dystonia. By the way, four of those four soldiers. Four of those men are the people that start Did this distillery Europe and still house all these great things? What I’d like you guys to consider, while this is a good gateway bourbon, and to some of the more complex and higher end offerings out there, right, because I mean, even Elijah Craig, I mean, you can step up to their 18 year and get, you know, an amazing expression, but it’s kind of Gosh, 300 bucks. Yeah, this is a $39 Whiskey and a $39 Whiskey is going to be a gateway to other expressions. So while it’s not maybe not going to blow you away, especially if you’re an experienced drinker, I want you to consider the kind of men you’re supporting. This whiskey belongs in your bar folks, because these kinds of people deserve your support.
Mallory Gordon 1:10:41
I agree. And if you are a young bourbon drinker like I put this well and above and wasn’t Hunson baby Hudson,
Mickey Gordon 1:10:48
maybe Hudson I don’t like that at all. That’s one that you’ve enjoyed from time I’ve enjoyed
Mallory Gordon 1:10:52
and I would put this you know, a few levels above that. $39 I think it’s a it’s a bargain for the complexity and the quality.
Mickey Gordon 1:11:00
I would put the water in a portage on above baby Hudson.
Mallory Gordon 1:11:04
You did not like Hudson that’s that’s a hot tamale, tamale but that
Mickey Gordon 1:11:09
said one more thing I want to throw out here for you guys this just a note for me to you. Consider jumping up to the small batch the horse soldier small batch for a little more complex flavor a little more butterscotch a little more caramel, just the higher end taste and feel throughout the whiskey.
Mallory Gordon 1:11:25
It says have a sweeter note which I think you have an appreciation for zero rye guy.
Mickey Gordon 1:11:29
Yeah, I like the spice and the sweetness, but at 5699 for the small batch, it doesn’t make it eligible for our whiskey of the month. But for an extra couple of bucks. It’s a far better bottle and I think you’ll get the support that you’re looking for to support these great people these horse soldiers who started this brand started this distillery and are doing this amazing work both in Ohio and here in Florida and also down in Kentucky or is it Tennessee I gotta go back and look but I just think that it’s worth it to support them and if you want a little better experience spend the extra couple bucks but I don’t think you’re gonna be unhappy if you buy the $39 bottle
Mallory Gordon 1:12:07
now I if you’re a bourbon drinker and enjoy the palate but similar palates me you’re gonna have a good time.
Mickey Gordon 1:12:14
You’re gonna have a good time. So that is whiskey of the month and this has been one oh strange episode of casual swagger.
Mallory Gordon 1:12:22
Sorry about that guys, but not really. You know what, at least like, like the application of like, the mitigation tools like the DB cap like I almost like sat there was like, I’ll I’ll teach you how to put this thing in.
Mickey Gordon 1:12:37
Well, and for me, like I know that we got you we had a couple of heavy episodes like episode after episode, and I really just thought heavy had incentive see what you did there. I really felt like if I had to make fart like fart noises with my armpit and the microphone just to keep it silly this time I would have and I think we achieved that.
Mallory Gordon 1:12:54
So thanks for not doing that.
Mickey Gordon 1:12:56
I can’t make fart noises in my armpit because I’m you know, manly and hairy there. Yeah, very manly. Want to tell everybody how to find us before I talk about my armpit hair somewhere?
Mallory Gordon 1:13:04
Yeah, yeah, I can do that. We are casual swinger everywhere. Again, send us a message podcast at casual swinger.com If you’re looking for us on social media, you can find us on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram and Twitter. And we have our proven lending insights and me feel free to check us out there. Double the nation, Cassidy Sen, S Ls and STC.
Mickey Gordon 1:13:26
Are you having a good time?
Mallory Gordon 1:13:29
Getting a little tongue tied.
Mickey Gordon 1:13:30
There it is. Folks, this has been the red zone and you’ve been listening to casual swinger. We’ll see you next time. Bye guys.